buey gumm

and talking abt buey gum, it is really true that some ppl are just buey gum.

overheard three girls talking on the train on wednesday night, they were talking abt guys hahahaa. and others. one of them was talking about "emotional distance" and i tot that sounded quite right. some ppl just have emotional distance between them and its as though its impossible to bridge that gap!

of cos, sometimes it is bridged, and sometimes the gap forms or widens.

i am kind of like a very down-to-earth and a very people person. i like to ask about ppl and talk to them about more personal stuff. and with my LTM i rmbr a lot of stuff about my friends. well it looks like i make an effort to rmbr what they say, mayb i do sub consciously haha. thus i prefer mixing with ppl who are as real and sincere. budden, sometimes i joke a lot and say funny things, i was thinking maybe others think that im not so real becos i always say quite non-sensical stuff!! hahahah.. and when ppl dun ask me questions like i ask them, i dun really tell them abt my side of the story all the time.

thats why i enjoy talking to sincere people. u can feel that they care and they share.

buey gum

its depressing that i take pride in things like small talk and human interaction and conversations, but i cant seem to handle group work. esp pair work. one thing im afraid of is that i can barely find ppl with the same kinda working style as me, so maybe next time at work or something its gonna get even worse. maybe its something about me and academics, i dun seem to be able to get along well with academically related stuff other than tests and exams!

oh wells. its really difficult to keep going when two people are rather insistent on their own stand and not making compromises. plus a little bit of mismatched frequency and time limitations, things get out of hand. its like just buey gum. cant seem to agree to things. i think that you are too persistent, so i decided to not strain things further by letting u have the say in almost everything. since u wouldnt have listened to much of my view anw. den it seems like im not helping and that u are doing everything. but thats becos im too tired to say things becos sadly, whenever there is a conflict of view, someone has to give way and if that doesnt happen to small things, work will never get done.

so i got tired and decided to go along with really anything and everything, okay almost everything. it was a low point becos i hardly rmbr myself being so compromising to an extent it really doesnt look like its a compromise but more of a following along. like i have no stand liddat. its really sad that things got to that stage.

all this is over and it turned out well, and better than i may have imagined. but it got me thinking. isit necessary for ppl to get through working tgt before knowing how their relationship truly is? can friends do without working tgt and maintain a good friendship and say that they know each other? isit that once u have worked well tgt it shows that two ppl are of similar frequency and are compatible? can u say that u get along well with one person before trying working tgt? its a good question to think about. how about the case for couples? should they be able to work tgt well to show that they are on the same wavelength? can we draw parallels from work to things like family management issues?

thinking about things like this a lot, typical me. haha. but im really sad that things turned out like that and i really should put in more effort in making things work better! or maybe, its just like what i say, some ppl are just buey gum. cant help it ya.

FINALLY

i really didnt think that i could have made it through this sphere of negativity i engulfed myself in for the past half a year, BUT I DID!
yayy. its about time. i didnt think i could have made it, but this past week has been quite positive for me with new things to think about, to be excited over. and having talked much more and also crapping w the guys had made me open up better and feeling more energetic in general. im so glad. before that i was still thinking, should i push myself and make it happen? i really like to draw an analogy with chemical reactions.

its a good comparison becos it was like a high activation energy reaction and sometimes i had this energy, but the initial slope was too much for me to climb. with a good blend of happenings and developments in my feelings i think i reached a energy level just enough to overcome this barrier, and i maintained it for some time!! once the rds is completed, the rest will not be limiting the rate of rxn. with free speech and laughing that is real laughter, i know i did it. the tide has changed, and this, is a new era.

its great to overcome it and please please let it stay this way. it wasnt easy for me. at all. to be able to put things down and laugh like i mean it. its truly a day to celebrate, 210911. no bitterness. nor bittersweetness. excellent work.

The reaction is complete, and its time to move on to synthesizing some other compound.

mood

its amazing how my mood can just change, about hearing something sian about someone, which doesnt affect me. its these kinda things, like u wanna help to make it better and happier for this person but u dunno what to do and this person also dun need me to help or wad. haha. its just moody.

and this story below really shows how over-emotional i am! hahaha, by seeing :') and hearing abt this smiley being known as bittersweet :') i feel so "awwwwww" and a felt that little tingling feel. haha if i think abt it a bit more i think i can get teary and wanna cry alr laaa! total over.

good days

i had quite an awesome past two days. actually it kinda started on saturday! saturday was MAF and before that i went to gt's place to catch the final two eps of laughing woots, den later went to MAF, and after some "supper" back at home to catch man u vs bolton! it was kinda like almost one whole day when i leave my current state of mind (as a chem engr student) and go for a short trip liddat. dun need to fan abt sch, dun need to emo abt other stuff. just a short getaway from my life, back to the past for a while too! this kinda feeling when u dump everything to one side for one day, shiok max!

den thursday was something liddat again. went for xia wu cha w gt, awesome imperial treasue food. just sad that theres no food that makes me really happy alr nowadays. its great, delicious, but i get my taste buds happy but not my whole person. den walked a lot a lot and eventually ended up at mbs, watching the laser show at 930pm. it was great not becos of the show itself only, but becos these are the things u do as a tourist and at night at mbs and the marina area, u really get away from the buzz of the city and chillax one corner. its like an escape all tgt again. of cos, the company was equally impt if not more (:

den back home, had a very stupid lame msn convo with the guys hahaha.. was really crappy and no substance but as usual i love this kind responsive and lame chats that supposedly tried to stir shit and also gossip a bit. its been some time and its really cool to stay up till 2am for nth at all. i was qt high, maybe from the caffeine overdoes from ice milk tea and gongcha milk tea again.. talk cock is one of my all time fav yaaa?

haha and today i think it was quite a moody day from afternoon. so much so that it made me realise how much my mood can suddenly change so drastically, somewhat like a girl haha. 70% girl description for me could really be quite close to the real %tage eh? hahaha. ok but the end of the sch day was improved greatly.

it was really refreshing to meet someone this frank, energetic and bubbly. i think its just how this person is, but nonetheless its a very comfortable chat with a person full of energy. i felt it the first time we talked alr and its amazing how its like we dun even know each other but it just goes on and on. i always look up to ppl with this kinda born ability. People like this are awesome becos they have this natural ability to lighten the mood and energy is contagious!

they deserve better

i could have talked to you abt it. but i know u dun really want to talk to me.

i wanted to post this on fb as u might see it and see my point. i opted not.

here i am, posting on this blog which is probably read by less than 2 ppl. well, there is still a chance u might get to see this. so here is my message to you, regardless of whether u see it or not.

seriously, wake up. i dunno. i really shouldnt have this poor attitude. but the truth is, i have. i have this negativity and a less than normal response towards you. i think im biased, thats true as well. but gimme some credit for what im abt to say.

please, just wake up. you have no idea how fortunate you are. u have friends like these two ppl who i see. they are really good to you, they are really nice to you. they put in effort for you. but the way i see it, you are just being urself, not reciprocating. of cos, i might be wrong and so if i am, then ignore me. but if im right, or even partially right, maybe u can reflect upon this. you know, when these ppl treat you so well, they deserve better. they deserve for your appreciation, for you to do the same or even more for them. who are they? who are they to do so much for you? they deserve better. you have your reasons, you have your character, you have your thoughts. but with friend like these, you really should do better. please let them know that you care for them. or rather, please care for them.

im sorry i sound really really angry. i am qt frustrated. its probably becos i was once like them, and i gave up. it is a horrible feeling for you to give, and give and give, and when the other party just doesnt doesnt care. you have these awesome friends around you, and probably more than what i see. please let them know that they are appreciated. even if its not ur style, do it becos, with friends like this, you know u are one of the most fortunate people in the world.

please dun treat them less than they deserve, or i fear many more kaihim's might happen along the way.

please, they deserve better, much better.

1/x

sometimes i just feel that tuesdays are not too good a day for me. like today. okay it ended much better than it could have been though haha. maybe it was just a day when i didnt feel like being alone and wanted company. just thinking abt some things as well.

one pt to discuss is that i really wonder how ppl work sometimes. some people, they are not very nice to you when you are nice to them, they do not reciprocate your friendliness. sometimes they take a little bit of initiative, but mostly they can treat you as though you are transparent. i give them chance, and sometimes i will just be nice and be enthu or wad. But the way they do not reciprocate. its demoralising isnt it. and yet, these people are the ones who continue to be well-loved, well-regarded. despite them not giving as much as they take for example. or them not showing due appreciation.

And these people, who give more than they take, are usually forgotten. sounds common? i think it does. they are on the losing end, but somehow they continue becos they do not feel that they are losing. they accept it. maybe they are firm in their stand, maybe they are just too nice for their own good. maybe, maybe they are just stupid.

nicie gummie

trying to be nice, to do the right things.

this has always been on my mind. for the whole of my life. when i was younger and more shy, i tended to behave better and look more guai1. and ppl could see the nice side of me. but these years, as i FINALLY started to be less shy (and perhaps more shameless LOL) i tend to treat ppl less nicely. of cos my heart's still more or less the same. but due to my external behaviour, on the outside i look more like a joker or something, i think that ppl really dun see who i am inside. only those closer ones or those who bother enough to understand the real me can see this side of me.

yday, jamie was telling me she thinks about me when she is thinking about doing nice things. that heard, im really comforted and glad. she says ive always been supportive of such things. haha i guess its mostly due to my half a yearly april fools and childrens day smses =D well, point is, that got me really thinking quite a bit too.

im a really good thinker in this area. i know what to do, how to be nice. but sometimes, the inertia gets into me. i think its pretty much the same for many others. we know what we should or ought to do. but its kinda weird, uncomfortable or simply, not everyone is used to expressing their nice side or sharing the joy. after hearing abt jamie's project, im now more motivated to be nice again. all it really takes is a bit of an effort, to make someone's day.

some ppl may argue, you dun need to show ppl u are nice. ppl who truly know u will know who u are. yeah. sometimes being nice to ppl may seem a little fake. its as though there is an ulterior motive of some sort. it looks quite disgusting, esp if u are only nice to erhm for eg girls u are interested in. and then u treat others way differently. yucks. then i think again. its actually not entirely true. in fact, when u demonstrate ur kindness to ppl, they will feel more willing to offer their kindness to others as well. its like, the pay it forward movie. u help someone, someone helps another one. and the world becomes a better place to live in!

simplistic, but essential. this is what makes the world go round.

im always happy to see such things happening. be it some young guy giving up his seat on the train, or someone just holding the door for you or offering you help when u look like u cant carry that 40kg load distributed over 6 bags on you.

if only we can take a bit of effort, and be nice. it makes you happy, and it makes someone else happy too. lets hope to see nicie gummie soon ((:

different different, but same.

Seven years in a row, i've been to MAF. there are ppl who come back every year, but there are really not a lot. some cant help it, some dont want to come, some dun see the point. but for me, its an important date of the year that i always make it a point, and a priority.

Perhaps its because i was a councillor. and thus i make it a point to be there every year. Sometimes, i wonder if its just a mindless obligation, that started when we entered hwa chong and the tchrs told us that thousands of hwa chongians return to sch on MAF every year.

MAF holds an important place in my heart. The first big event that we had that had numerous tiring yet fun work sessions. Fountain! haha.. and of the 7 events, this is the main one which attracts so many ppl. It has all the elements of hc life. the people, the class benches, the central and inner plaza, the teachers, the songs, the dances, the cheers. And youth and energy of course (:

The first MAF i was at was our own. it was really exciting. at the welfare booth selling tshirts/bears and what not, and at the fountain srsly praying that the pumps will not short circuit like they frequently do. and of cos, for dry weather. all we wanted was for it to be successful, without major hiccups. When it was over, it was truly a moment to be proud of. Its awesome in a way that these 43 ppl alongside you have all worked hard for this 4 hours and it all paid off!

And the next year, in j2, going back to MAF was truly emotional for me. Stepping down was one of the saddest moments of my life. and to be back and witnessing the juniors putting on their version of this show, and to immerse in the intensive emotions due to a surge of memories and nostalgia, unbelievable. It was as exciting as ever, as emotional as ever. at the song session, along with so many councillors who are back, arms around each other. we sing the songs, that really meant a lot to me. the words, the tunes, its as though they speak our story. The connection to HC was really high. and this feeling extended for one year or so after graduation. This spirit stayed within me for much of the first half of my army days as well.

Then, as the years pass, this strong sense of connection slowly, but surely, faded. Other than seeing my old friends around, being back in the school did not cause an emotional surge as it had used to in the first few years. different, it was. it was less awesome too.

Yesterday, when i sang the songs, the feelings were different. it wasnt as emo as it used to be, and more fun (: and interestingly, i can still rmbr the dance quite well! except for one or two parts, the main mass dances were good haha.

Although it is different now, the attachment to HC has faded, some things are still the same. the two jokers of our batch still being so loud and irritating hahaha. and in our small group of ppl left, although we have all moved on with our individual lives, we can feel that there is still a kind of connection between ppl. its like, its different, but essentially we are still the same. the same old kids from HC. our inner selves have not changed much.

thus, i say its different, but still the same. its no longer awesome in that way that it touched me years ago, but now, it is awesome in its own way (: i dun have to be super high, super enthusiatic and super touched to feel awesome. in a more toned down manner, feeling comfortable at home and seeing the smiles of the ppl around you, its another level of awesomeness all together.

MAF, you always add dimensions to my thoughts.

2.5 mths

What! its been 2.5 months since i was last here! haha. jialat. okay its time to revive this blog.. hmmm not that i dun have anything to blog, but i have been lazy (as usual) and i have found another outlet as well. i guess i would try, once again, to revive this place for the n-th time?

recently been back to school. not really lagging a lot but still lagging in readings and not really in the mood of schwork yet! well i guess this week is the real start. the tuts are getting difficult and time will run out fast, so its probably time to start bucking up. hahaha. well, i always say this... but reality goes the other direction =X

and i dunno why, im starting to feel a bit emo recently as well. sucky at times, but i know i like this emo feeling becos as always it makes me feel real and human. there is nth going on that is supp to affect me greatly, but being me, theres bound to be things ard that can do this job.