it has been a really tiring semester. and at times i do think: why am i torturing myself like this?
to start it off, i am taking 7 modules this sem. i have known that its gonna be tough, and i had also said b4 that actually its still all right becos the difficulty was somehow still considered manageable. after all, its not by the number of modules/ number of MCs, but largely by the CN module code haha. well through 10 weeks alr, i think it wasnt THAT tough. but i had to spend substantial amounts of time on each module, that is abt 5 modules plus half a lab report per week, plus one tutorial prep once in a while for EG. i had not put too much time into EG and lab, ok i had not put in too much effort for in depth understanding of every mod actually. but its still mentally draining to be at work mode, 24/7.
but that said, other than EG, at least i feel that im not badly lagging in any single module too badly this time round. i agar agar know most of the things, and 2116 is mostly too tough to comprehend completely lol. so im still hopeful it will all be all right!
a few more deadlines these two weeks for 2 projects and 1 ppt and 2 tests mainly. and UCL coming up as well LOL. gotta tahan more tiring weeks and nights ba.
also been occupied at times by SEP stuffs. glad that its mostly settled for the time being. as for VIP, still no news yet! argh. i guess i shld start applying elsewhr too soon!? if not gonna be hard to find right. zzz. but a bit lazy and sian and difficult man. i hope they just offer me the place la LOL.
work aside, i also had to cope with some other matters that made me rather emo at times. got me thinking abt much stuff and thats energy sapping as well. but im glad for im taking 7 modules and this commitment kept me on track and not too far away. if not im sure i would have wandered off further than i had. im living pretty well with it, although i realised that my views and thoughts might have changed a bit.
i notice that i have lost the courage to believe in others. no offense to any of my good frens. but its really true. i had used to believe in my own judgement of someone else. i used to believe what ppl say to be the truth. relative to my friends, i know all along im considered rather naive, or optimistic. i give ppl the benefit of doubt. but after all the things happening. i have my reservations. maybe im just wrong abt what i think. when u thought u had known all abt this person all the time, and u thought that thr was a connection btwn u two, then suddenly u realise you do not know who this person is at all. all u had thought, isnt true. and u nv knew what was on that person's mind. and what was the truth. believe me, u will start to lose faith in believing in urself again. or the courage to believe that they actually care abt u.
that said, if u read this entry, i guess you would be feeling a bit sad or thinking that im gonna be EMO TTM. hahaha but im fine. just thoughts that had been on my mind for a long long time, just that i only decided to pen it down today. and its random whining and typing out any words that come to mind, so it isnt as coherent and probably not 100% accurately delivered. but bottomline: im doing good (:
so, a tiring semester, and one more difficult month ahead! looking fwd to the final challenge of the semester: the exams.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
in a group, plus another half
random thoughts while taking a shower. decided to blog it down first (of cos the delay of doing tut for 10 mins is encouraging LOL).
anw i was thinking that, for me at least, having a couple in a small social circle really makes things weird. maybe not weird, i just dun like it. like whenever u have a small gathering, then suddenly someone brings along a girlfriend/boyfriend. awkwardness is sure to set in. even if everyone knows each other, i still feel that it is a no-no. at least at my level now. i gues when everyone gets married then its also another thing altogether.
i have no problems being around ppl who are attached or what, but, when the other half is present as well, i just feel unatural. i feel like im being restricted to the things we can talk about. and i cannot face my friend as though he/she is just my friend. but its a pair alr. they are by social norms supposed to be a pair and come together, buy one get one free style.
i find it rather tough to bring my thoughts across in words. but the general idea is that things change when the other half is around. for me, when i speak to u in a group and when i speak to u in private/ one-on-one situation. its very different. so i feel that if a couple is there, its weird for me to talk to one of them only. once again they come as a pair. i must only talk about things everyone knows about. surface topics. its not right for me to bring 1/2 outside and discuss issues only relevant to us two.
of cos thats my own perception only. im sure many ppl have similar feelings, just as many dun see why i think this is an issue to even write about. that being said. i was trying to recall any friends i have who i can hang ard comfortably when two halves are present, and i havent found one yet.
what do u think?
anw i was thinking that, for me at least, having a couple in a small social circle really makes things weird. maybe not weird, i just dun like it. like whenever u have a small gathering, then suddenly someone brings along a girlfriend/boyfriend. awkwardness is sure to set in. even if everyone knows each other, i still feel that it is a no-no. at least at my level now. i gues when everyone gets married then its also another thing altogether.
i have no problems being around ppl who are attached or what, but, when the other half is present as well, i just feel unatural. i feel like im being restricted to the things we can talk about. and i cannot face my friend as though he/she is just my friend. but its a pair alr. they are by social norms supposed to be a pair and come together, buy one get one free style.
i find it rather tough to bring my thoughts across in words. but the general idea is that things change when the other half is around. for me, when i speak to u in a group and when i speak to u in private/ one-on-one situation. its very different. so i feel that if a couple is there, its weird for me to talk to one of them only. once again they come as a pair. i must only talk about things everyone knows about. surface topics. its not right for me to bring 1/2 outside and discuss issues only relevant to us two.
of cos thats my own perception only. im sure many ppl have similar feelings, just as many dun see why i think this is an issue to even write about. that being said. i was trying to recall any friends i have who i can hang ard comfortably when two halves are present, and i havent found one yet.
what do u think?
Friday, March 11, 2011
worst ppt preparation ever
i had my acc tutorial ppt this afternoon. this was truly the worst build up to a ppt ever!
ok we really should have done the tut over the weekend and quickly discuss and collate. of cos we didnt. ok excuse for me: saturday i was still having TWO mid terms till night time. but then later on in the week gotta do cn tuts and stuff, in the end i only did my tutorial on thursday morning. cuis. my bad.
and so i finished the hard copy at abt maybe 9pm? i had totally underestimated the time needed to convert hard to soft copy. omg in the end i worked till abt 1+am den finish my part of the ppt, and did the other questions till 3am. okay im really a bad grp member, its part work, and i really shld have taken the inititative to ensure everything was up early. well i didnt. i worked so last minute every partner should HATE ME.
guess what, he was even slower than me! he told me he can only finish in the morning. ok fine cant help it, last minute alr do the best we can. den he just sms me saying that den nv reply alr. i was still awaiting his sms la. ok nvm, maybe he sleep alr. without finishing his work.
in the morning, i sms him to remind him to keep me in the loop. he told me sending to me soon he hopes. okay and he asked me to collate. fine, i had 10-2 lectures and tut was at 3. ok i shall sacrifice a bit and pon my lecture, after all i had to responsible for not doing this much earlier also. his soon wasnt soon. =.= sent me at abt 11. okay den i work on it, myself at the chinese library. from 11 to like 2 plus. collating and editing the format and stuff. some disparities here and there, sorting things out, still manageable.
den i ask him when he can meet. and he told me at 135pm he was on his way to sch. !!! wat!? ya at home? u ask me to compile den tell me ya at home =.= srsly. i have lectures leh. pls. den he also nv tell me wat time he reaching, he made it sound like he was reaching soon. i waited and waited and waited and no sign of him. 220 alr, haven even run thru or print. wts. i smsed him den he told me he reaching in like 20 mins. wth! angry. he wasnt even bothered abt the printing part also. k fine i go thinklab and print. argh thinklab reserved. i had to queue at CL and print.
okay and in btwn made some adjustments also. 255 i was still at the CL la. i RANNN all the way to the tutorial classroom.
okay the tutorial went quite smoothly, not outstanding but good enough. nth much to "perform" anw just present answer.
but, this truly was a bad experience. bad team work, bad communication, last min prep. zzzz.
ok we really should have done the tut over the weekend and quickly discuss and collate. of cos we didnt. ok excuse for me: saturday i was still having TWO mid terms till night time. but then later on in the week gotta do cn tuts and stuff, in the end i only did my tutorial on thursday morning. cuis. my bad.
and so i finished the hard copy at abt maybe 9pm? i had totally underestimated the time needed to convert hard to soft copy. omg in the end i worked till abt 1+am den finish my part of the ppt, and did the other questions till 3am. okay im really a bad grp member, its part work, and i really shld have taken the inititative to ensure everything was up early. well i didnt. i worked so last minute every partner should HATE ME.
guess what, he was even slower than me! he told me he can only finish in the morning. ok fine cant help it, last minute alr do the best we can. den he just sms me saying that den nv reply alr. i was still awaiting his sms la. ok nvm, maybe he sleep alr. without finishing his work.
in the morning, i sms him to remind him to keep me in the loop. he told me sending to me soon he hopes. okay and he asked me to collate. fine, i had 10-2 lectures and tut was at 3. ok i shall sacrifice a bit and pon my lecture, after all i had to responsible for not doing this much earlier also. his soon wasnt soon. =.= sent me at abt 11. okay den i work on it, myself at the chinese library. from 11 to like 2 plus. collating and editing the format and stuff. some disparities here and there, sorting things out, still manageable.
den i ask him when he can meet. and he told me at 135pm he was on his way to sch. !!! wat!? ya at home? u ask me to compile den tell me ya at home =.= srsly. i have lectures leh. pls. den he also nv tell me wat time he reaching, he made it sound like he was reaching soon. i waited and waited and waited and no sign of him. 220 alr, haven even run thru or print. wts. i smsed him den he told me he reaching in like 20 mins. wth! angry. he wasnt even bothered abt the printing part also. k fine i go thinklab and print. argh thinklab reserved. i had to queue at CL and print.
okay and in btwn made some adjustments also. 255 i was still at the CL la. i RANNN all the way to the tutorial classroom.
okay the tutorial went quite smoothly, not outstanding but good enough. nth much to "perform" anw just present answer.
but, this truly was a bad experience. bad team work, bad communication, last min prep. zzzz.
good, never satisfied?
i dunno if im too greedy.
i have not done poorly, but i know i can definitely do better.
is it that im never satisfied?
is being exceptional the only way to make me really happy?
i have not done poorly, but i know i can definitely do better.
is it that im never satisfied?
is being exceptional the only way to make me really happy?
Monday, March 7, 2011
THE list.
yeah lets get this place back updated frequently!
(if you are affected by academic stuff do not read further)
i went to take a look at THE LIST just now haha. and i think again of how im not on it. well, i always wanted to be on it for like just once, u know, like lemme feel shiok for a while haha. but then its like too distant away from me, and there are so many strong ppl out thr who are not on it as well. super tough eh. hahaha.
anw, it gets me thinking sometimes. well i know im not that smart. sometimes i dunno how i do well in exams, becos i always dun understd so many things. do i deserve the good grades? haha if u ask me of cos i say yes la lol. dun take me wrong by any means, just being honest here, no offence intended.
maybe i underestimate myself? maybe im just exam smart. oh wells, not worth debating here becos we shall just let the system sort us out. but it keeps me alert and forces me to do one thing i do not really like - reflect.
then i think, those ppl on the list, are they really like damn smart ppl? or are they super hardworking. can i do as well if i force myself to do much more work for eg.? den, i think that there is a limit and there is really no pt chasing it. every sem i have been working harder and harder but i know theres a limit, somewhen i cannot go too far out and i cannot afford to push myself any further.
and once again the issue of being labelled pops up. now that i have seen it, i tend to label ppl with that. its not good isnt it? but u cant help it. in such a competitive environment, that is what many ppl look at. once ppl know where u stand, they form perceptions of u. and many times it might not be true. but once again, cant help it eh.
last sem i felt was the closest i have gone, but too bad it wasnt close enough hahaha. its just not meant to be? and this sem is confirm nono. unless, of cos, that everyone's standard is gonna drop. as internal compeitition is approaching maximum.
ok now that i have typed those i feel its kinda insignificant to me haha. but its still something i think abt sometimes.
(if you are affected by academic stuff do not read further)
i went to take a look at THE LIST just now haha. and i think again of how im not on it. well, i always wanted to be on it for like just once, u know, like lemme feel shiok for a while haha. but then its like too distant away from me, and there are so many strong ppl out thr who are not on it as well. super tough eh. hahaha.
anw, it gets me thinking sometimes. well i know im not that smart. sometimes i dunno how i do well in exams, becos i always dun understd so many things. do i deserve the good grades? haha if u ask me of cos i say yes la lol. dun take me wrong by any means, just being honest here, no offence intended.
maybe i underestimate myself? maybe im just exam smart. oh wells, not worth debating here becos we shall just let the system sort us out. but it keeps me alert and forces me to do one thing i do not really like - reflect.
then i think, those ppl on the list, are they really like damn smart ppl? or are they super hardworking. can i do as well if i force myself to do much more work for eg.? den, i think that there is a limit and there is really no pt chasing it. every sem i have been working harder and harder but i know theres a limit, somewhen i cannot go too far out and i cannot afford to push myself any further.
and once again the issue of being labelled pops up. now that i have seen it, i tend to label ppl with that. its not good isnt it? but u cant help it. in such a competitive environment, that is what many ppl look at. once ppl know where u stand, they form perceptions of u. and many times it might not be true. but once again, cant help it eh.
last sem i felt was the closest i have gone, but too bad it wasnt close enough hahaha. its just not meant to be? and this sem is confirm nono. unless, of cos, that everyone's standard is gonna drop. as internal compeitition is approaching maximum.
ok now that i have typed those i feel its kinda insignificant to me haha. but its still something i think abt sometimes.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
mids are over
phew mids are finally over. and whats next? relax and chill and play? NAH. oh pls. its back to tutorials and reports lol. go and go and go again. i have been putting more and more effort into my work sem after sem, but it seems like its nv enough! its like i can nv cover all the aspects. or do everything on time. but it still goes on and on. these two months could be qt stressful and packed, i foresee. and if i get that internship, i will have no break after exams as well! oh mians. and if i dun get it, i have to go look for another one, which is probably even more troublesome..
wahaha, probably i will really start looking fwd to SEP by next sem. weee! but being the sentimental emotional me, i would surely dread it as much as i love it.
wahaha, probably i will really start looking fwd to SEP by next sem. weee! but being the sentimental emotional me, i would surely dread it as much as i love it.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
ranking
you will never know how highly you were ranked in my heart.
while the foolish me finally sees how you have ranked me.
while the foolish me finally sees how you have ranked me.
weird exams
i find it a little puzzling.
why is it that as we go up the levels in NUS,
the content get harder and harder,
but the exams get easier and easier?
why is it that as we go up the levels in NUS,
the content get harder and harder,
but the exams get easier and easier?
haunted
im still haunted. and it pops up every here and there. then and when. its forever at the back of my mind. it will be a mystery how long i will take to remove this.
even during tests, it keeps popping up. yawns. its like the first time im being affected during tests or exams. from past exp, anything normally comes really once in a while or maybe the last paper, but these two days, nah.
its haunting me, pretty unhealthy mind ive got here.
its making me negative. generally, and towards the ppl. i dun like that, but i cant ctrl it.
when i say i love to emo,
i just realised that i love to emo a bit when im not emo, cos it reminds me of pain and reality, and gets me thinking, wandering.
but i dun like to emo at all, when im truly emo, when im haunted. its bad and its an automatic involuntary response for me to keep away from it, yet it ironically comes back automatically and beyond my ctrl.
even during tests, it keeps popping up. yawns. its like the first time im being affected during tests or exams. from past exp, anything normally comes really once in a while or maybe the last paper, but these two days, nah.
its haunting me, pretty unhealthy mind ive got here.
its making me negative. generally, and towards the ppl. i dun like that, but i cant ctrl it.
when i say i love to emo,
i just realised that i love to emo a bit when im not emo, cos it reminds me of pain and reality, and gets me thinking, wandering.
but i dun like to emo at all, when im truly emo, when im haunted. its bad and its an automatic involuntary response for me to keep away from it, yet it ironically comes back automatically and beyond my ctrl.
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