me and myself

its true that interviews are good for us because they allow us to know ourselves better.

i havent ever had really important and serious interviews yet in my life though, this monday i was at grant a wish interview to get into the OC. but a small interview liddat also got me thinking after that.. of cos there are the usual "oh i should have said that!" and "that sounds really lame to me now =.=" , but the first question they asked me alr got me thinking.

so, use three words to describe yourself.

i didnt really think abt it before specifically, so i took a while, but my mind was rather in a blank at wad to really say. after replying with - - and -, i had to add "most of the time" to it haha. thats because i dont like to lie, and the things that i said are not truly me all the while.

but after thinking abt it, i realised that the one thing that i truly cling tightly onto is my sense of humour. from a young age, i had always liked to be funny, make ppl laugh, and seeing ppl smile has always been a huge encouragement for me. i believe ppl ard me can also feel that. i dun feel comfortable when there is no laughter, im not used to that kinda atmosphere. my humour is really very important to me and i believe it will stay with me for the rest of my life (:

also, i had been thinking that im actually quite an oxymoron! i mean there are too many times when i behave in two maybe extreme ways in separate ocassions. for example, im positive, but im also negative. im cheerful, but im also emo. u know. its kinda messy!! i like to see the two sides to a coin, thats probably why i behave differently at different times also..?

on a side note, there is a void in my life now, i believe there are a few things would fit in well. not that im considering all of them or attempting them:

1. noble ambition in life
2. a girlfriend
3. religion

involuntary response

wanted to talk abt this for a long time, just, as usual, din pen it down then.

that day after my run, i wasnt expecting to run into ppl so in my mind i was wholy focused on continuing with what i had planned to do, which would be to head home, simply. den when i bumped into something unexpected, by right i should have stopped for a while, maybe check it out, hang out for like a few sentences of chit chat at the very least. thats what i would have expected myself to do if you had asked me.

but after this small little incident, im very very clear of what had happened to me.

from start to end, it probably lasted abt 5 secs. or even less. and given this short period of time to respond and the surprise nature of the incident, i know on hindsight that my very first and involuntary response was precisely the true reflection of my real feelings. there was no time to think, to adapt, nor to consider social norms and manners and what not. im 100% sure that reponse is 100% real.

i didnt take a second look, i greeted, and i walked away back to my original course of action. that is when i know, i've trained myself so well over the past, hmm four months to do this, to walk away, to avoid, to reduce. its grown into a part of me already. its just the facts of life.

this has been a huge part of my uni life so far. somehow, there is a shadow, a force, a shield. when will that be over, i dunno. perhaps i just need something new. perhaps i can nv get over that. but likely, this will stay with me for at least two more years?

there are too many things that im afraid of right now. yes im that weak. some places, some actions, everytime it gives me a bit of that epic sinking feeling i had for weeks previously. just 10% of that maybe, but constant reminders.

many times i try to be the best person in the world, to do the best things, to be correct, upright, do the right thing. but increasingly i see my limitations. there are many things i cant do, i just cant. call me weak, i call it being me. its natural, its kai him, so i accept that.

when it really hurts

when it really hurts,

thats when you know it was truly worth having.

one of the several mini-lessons that modern family had reminded me about (:

oh mans

oh mans whats with me. trying to revive my blog but totally left it dying again haha. okay a short post.

i was thinking, yes a couple should not be hiding things from one another, but yet again there is no absolute need to share everything you know w the other half right? sometimes when i share something with you, so something with you, or just do something that you know, i do not mean that i have given the consent for you to share it with your other half. u two should have some kinda of trust btwn each other, but as friends, you and i should be having some sorta trust too?

its just that sometimes as my friend, i share something with you expecting you to honour our "unspoken agreement of confidentiality". its kinda like trust btwn frens, you dont go ard telling others what we two share, you nv know how private i might have considered it to be..

and its also scary sometimes to think that everything between me and a fren is talked abt to someone else? hmm. again i might just be being myself - extra sensitvie and thinking too much. but for me i like to feel like there is a special relationship or connection btwn me and each of my friends and in the way i mentioned above, it is somehow lost and im not fully comfortable with it. especially if that something is impt to me or i share it becos i trust that you keep it to -yourself-, with the appt of being my friend, and not somebody else's partner.