involuntary response

wanted to talk abt this for a long time, just, as usual, din pen it down then.

that day after my run, i wasnt expecting to run into ppl so in my mind i was wholy focused on continuing with what i had planned to do, which would be to head home, simply. den when i bumped into something unexpected, by right i should have stopped for a while, maybe check it out, hang out for like a few sentences of chit chat at the very least. thats what i would have expected myself to do if you had asked me.

but after this small little incident, im very very clear of what had happened to me.

from start to end, it probably lasted abt 5 secs. or even less. and given this short period of time to respond and the surprise nature of the incident, i know on hindsight that my very first and involuntary response was precisely the true reflection of my real feelings. there was no time to think, to adapt, nor to consider social norms and manners and what not. im 100% sure that reponse is 100% real.

i didnt take a second look, i greeted, and i walked away back to my original course of action. that is when i know, i've trained myself so well over the past, hmm four months to do this, to walk away, to avoid, to reduce. its grown into a part of me already. its just the facts of life.

this has been a huge part of my uni life so far. somehow, there is a shadow, a force, a shield. when will that be over, i dunno. perhaps i just need something new. perhaps i can nv get over that. but likely, this will stay with me for at least two more years?

there are too many things that im afraid of right now. yes im that weak. some places, some actions, everytime it gives me a bit of that epic sinking feeling i had for weeks previously. just 10% of that maybe, but constant reminders.

many times i try to be the best person in the world, to do the best things, to be correct, upright, do the right thing. but increasingly i see my limitations. there are many things i cant do, i just cant. call me weak, i call it being me. its natural, its kai him, so i accept that.