something about something.

it has really been a long time since i "pen-ed" my thoughts down on my blog, which was one of the primary reasons why i own a blog anw originally.. many times, i do want to leave some words here but usually i end up not doing so, or just by posting my daily POTD haha. today i shall leave some words here.

likely, if u are reading this, that u will not get the full story or not understd a single thing im typing, but thats qt normal. haha of cos unless u are ME. yeah, just want to get some things on my computer/blog and hopefully i "feel better" or something after that. if u dun understd, just heck it and dun ask too much cos if u know u know, if u dunno u dunno (: pls dun ask me to "explain".

many times i feel like im actually very alone. i dunno if anyone really understands me, cos even me myself dunno why im like this sometimes. and i love to do stupid things to myself that i actually feel its not stupid. but after a while i think its dumb, yet i dun regret it. see, now i've confused myself too. lol.

i have alr promised myself to do something after this long sem, but i dun really know if i can make it. i dun feel confident, and this sux. many of my thoughts all originate from me myself thinking too much and using my brain juice on something not really productive i would say. and this few days i really just feel like taking action. but i'm holding myself back for i know v well the consequences.

ppl say, once bitten, twice shy. now that im older, i guess its even more shy for me. but i keep faith in myself and still believe in what i believe in. i still believe. very well, i guess i still have to do it sooner or later, so it has to be sooner but not that soon. easier said than done. i have lost the passion and desire to just do it. spontaniety. lost. i feel im just holding myself back. reason? unsure.

its weird. how much it affects me and my life now, but how insignificant it is to someone else. i just want it to work.. will it? only time will tell?

school is not easy as well.. difficult times in tests/lectures/tuts keep me alert and not allow me to dwell too long upon relatively less impt issues at the moment. i cant mug, thats understood, but i have to learn to understd and study more. to control my emotions and let my brain take over from my heart. it is impt to learn how to do so isnt it? but personally, no matter how hard i want it to, i cant convince myself that logic over emotion is the way to go. thats why i say im quite a girl inside. i think im qt emotional and make decisions based on my emotions often. and i also would not want to convince myself to use my brain all the time, cos thats not wad i believe in as well. letting my heart rule me is a way of ensuring that im still sane, and im reminded that im but human.

i like studying for tests. the adrenaline rush, the confidence i get when i go in, its rather satisfying.. but of cos, the disatisfaction from not being able to get the answers works the other way round.

losing direction in life is pathetic. and i think im pathetic. whats ruling me now is ****** and *****. which is not very correct. of cos *** *** and *********. its kinda sad.

i look fwd to that very day in the future. when i can get wad i really want.

meanwhile, i guess its back to work.