it had always been my belief that its great to feel appreciated, and thus i like to tell ppl how i appreciate them. but sometimes its not easy, not everyone u can look at them and tell them such stuff, or even mention something remotely close to gratitude/admiration.
and now that i have a much higher frequency of being sarcastic/ despising in a jk manner, i think i have further drifted away from who i once was. i feel comfortable jk ard in such a manner and putting ppl down, expecting them to know that i dun mean it and im just jk. most ppl believe that if u dont curse and scold each other u cant be good friends eh? hahaha.
the thing is, i dun say it doesnt mean i dun think that way. just like i dun ask doesnt mean i dun care. somewhr in the back of my mind i still wanna be the person who is straightfwd and say and do what i truly mean only, but i guess its almost impossible to attain that. my behaviour has changed. its just me now.
but once in a while, i must rmbr to tell ppl stuff i truly feel. and if u have something to tell me, do so. cos u are not a mind-reader, just like im not.
i wanna feel appreciated too (:
this links back to the prev entry too. abt connections. reciprocating verbally/physically might be the way to prove that they are real and two-way. shld be.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Friday, January 14, 2011
connection
previously, some time ago, i had been thinking abt this issue.
Do connections lie?
when u feel a connection with someone when u look them in the eye. can that be false? can it be wrong?
when u can sense the person reciprocating through that eye contact. can it be a misread?
i hope not. connections are supposed to be a two way thing, a double arrow.
Do connections lie?
when u feel a connection with someone when u look them in the eye. can that be false? can it be wrong?
when u can sense the person reciprocating through that eye contact. can it be a misread?
i hope not. connections are supposed to be a two way thing, a double arrow.
the best thing in life.
united winning the EPL + League Cup + FA Cup + Champions League - I would go crazy and laugh till im mad.
getting CAP 5.0 this sem with 7 modules - I would be so happy I would cry. and treat everyone.
watching a ulti funny episode of Big Bang Theory - I would laugh non-stop beyond that 20 minutes, even the next day when i think abt it again.
but seriously, the best thing in life, as i reaffirmed my belief, is to have ppl ard you.
not just anyone. but ppl who u feel happy with, ppl who u meet defenseless. they are perhaps the most impt ppl in your life! when u can meet them without having an invisible wall separating u guys. without having to think what u gonna talk about. when u can talk to them about not anything, but every topic of no substance and content at all.
that, is the best thing in my life.
getting CAP 5.0 this sem with 7 modules - I would be so happy I would cry. and treat everyone.
watching a ulti funny episode of Big Bang Theory - I would laugh non-stop beyond that 20 minutes, even the next day when i think abt it again.
but seriously, the best thing in life, as i reaffirmed my belief, is to have ppl ard you.
not just anyone. but ppl who u feel happy with, ppl who u meet defenseless. they are perhaps the most impt ppl in your life! when u can meet them without having an invisible wall separating u guys. without having to think what u gonna talk about. when u can talk to them about not anything, but every topic of no substance and content at all.
that, is the best thing in my life.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
will it be okay?
i got a feeling this blog is gonna be more active now that sch has started, and that i have 7 modules and bound to feel stresssed ttm and emo at some pt of time. haha.
today erm some cxw has been going on. haha credits to the cxw-ers their skills are pretty good i have to admit. but one thing more impt is that it got me thinking. not abt the cxw thingy but actually that if something like this happens, will i be able to go through it?
will it be weird, will i put the past all behind me? hmm. i have to think abt this i guess. at this stage it is going to feel a bit weird/awkward but i have to move on completely sooner or later. just this link. i ponder. haha interesting to consider such cases. altho not a big deal, but these things do matter to me.
and in anticipation of these cxw-ers who might read my blog, NO THIS IS NOT THAT U ARE THINKING ABT. its something else. a more relevant and real issue.
today erm some cxw has been going on. haha credits to the cxw-ers their skills are pretty good i have to admit. but one thing more impt is that it got me thinking. not abt the cxw thingy but actually that if something like this happens, will i be able to go through it?
will it be weird, will i put the past all behind me? hmm. i have to think abt this i guess. at this stage it is going to feel a bit weird/awkward but i have to move on completely sooner or later. just this link. i ponder. haha interesting to consider such cases. altho not a big deal, but these things do matter to me.
and in anticipation of these cxw-ers who might read my blog, NO THIS IS NOT THAT U ARE THINKING ABT. its something else. a more relevant and real issue.
Monday, January 10, 2011
crazy?
haha i think i might have gone crazy here. taking 7 modules, 25 mcs this sem! i seriously dunno if i can make it, feels like uber tough and stressed sia. if i am gonna make it, i think i have to make like twice the effort of a normal semester. haha.
i hope i survive! this might be the experience i need lol. the torture, mental and physical. the test of will and positivity. will i make it?
there is still time to drop hmmm. but its like now or never. and better to suffer with someone else than to do it alone.
i like the feeling of this challenge, i just am not confident i will stay as positive throughout, its gonna be a long long dark semester..
i hope i survive! this might be the experience i need lol. the torture, mental and physical. the test of will and positivity. will i make it?
there is still time to drop hmmm. but its like now or never. and better to suffer with someone else than to do it alone.
i like the feeling of this challenge, i just am not confident i will stay as positive throughout, its gonna be a long long dark semester..
Saturday, January 8, 2011
i feel a little down,
that school is starting, two days time.
i start to revisit some feelings, emotions.
i feel lonely, alone i am. i yearn for company, i like to be amongst others. to be part of them. for them to be part of me. sometimes i feel nobody cares for me. that im on my own. im like a child, a lost teen. i wish for attention, to be liked, to be popular, somewhat.
but later on, i start to dislike the energy and crowd. i want to be alone. peaceful. i see the bad the evil the disagreements the differences. and i prefer to be on my own.
it goes on and on and on..
i start to revisit some feelings, emotions.
i feel lonely, alone i am. i yearn for company, i like to be amongst others. to be part of them. for them to be part of me. sometimes i feel nobody cares for me. that im on my own. im like a child, a lost teen. i wish for attention, to be liked, to be popular, somewhat.
but later on, i start to dislike the energy and crowd. i want to be alone. peaceful. i see the bad the evil the disagreements the differences. and i prefer to be on my own.
it goes on and on and on..
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
The Amazing Race
As i mentioned on my fb status, the amazing race always manages to touch me a little here and there. esp the last ep when u are THE FIRST TEAM and you run in and the whole world is cheering for you (or for the camera) haha. i guess its just the feeling or victory, over others, over self, and more importantly the idea of travelling around the world and putting in ur best, tgt with one of the most impt ppl in ur life. awesome eh? haha.
(SPOILER ALERT)
in the end it was really qt sad for the most consistent team JT to lose it. so sucky its pure luck lor. that they got such a cui cab driver. i havent liked them much all along becos they are really damn competitive and v focused. but as i have also thought previously, you cant blame them. yes its a tv show but these are all just ordinary folks in the states and they are there to win ONE MILLION BUCKS, not there to act in a movie to entertain us haha. but then again of cos if u have personalitites as interesting as BC, then its a diff story.
in the end the team i used to support, NK, won! yay i was kind rooting for them in this last leg. actually, all the hard work put in to bring u to the last leg stops thr, and its really the last leg thats crucial. be the first team at the first item and u have a really good chance unless u screw up.
end of the season, see if next seasons watchable. haha. it gave me good breaks in btwn this sem too. and during exams. just din like how they made food disgusting and probably spoilt hk's awesome food's reputation a bit.
(SPOILER ALERT)
in the end it was really qt sad for the most consistent team JT to lose it. so sucky its pure luck lor. that they got such a cui cab driver. i havent liked them much all along becos they are really damn competitive and v focused. but as i have also thought previously, you cant blame them. yes its a tv show but these are all just ordinary folks in the states and they are there to win ONE MILLION BUCKS, not there to act in a movie to entertain us haha. but then again of cos if u have personalitites as interesting as BC, then its a diff story.
in the end the team i used to support, NK, won! yay i was kind rooting for them in this last leg. actually, all the hard work put in to bring u to the last leg stops thr, and its really the last leg thats crucial. be the first team at the first item and u have a really good chance unless u screw up.
end of the season, see if next seasons watchable. haha. it gave me good breaks in btwn this sem too. and during exams. just din like how they made food disgusting and probably spoilt hk's awesome food's reputation a bit.
Friday, December 10, 2010
regrets of my life
a few regrets of my life.
a handful in army.
quite a number of people-handling situations.
and particularly one particular friend.
thinking. remembering. regretting.
a handful in army.
quite a number of people-handling situations.
and particularly one particular friend.
thinking. remembering. regretting.
i feel human again!
it all started out with a simple chat with ben, then with yj as well. perhaps i had been too robotic. a mugging machine all these while. that i've lost the human touch. i haven felt so real, so human in a long long while. esp since probably this sem?
tonight i was about to sleep just a few minutes past 12 mn, then i lied down on my bed, thinking about stuff. much stuff. many stuff. i couldnt fall asleep. probably cos i have had late nights previously, but more so becos of the thoughts and conversations that i had tonight. in contrast with discussions about energy equations and margules and ATGCCCTAA, this had to be the most human night of recent years. of cos im exaggerating. but months.
so as i was lying on my bed, i knew, at the back of my mind, that i would wake up eventually and end up here. perhaps at that point the decision was alr made, but watever. too many things were going through my mind. tonight, i felt i had to pen it down, cos i guess i will lose myself very soon again. blog i had to. this place which had been left breeding mozzies for the past month. yes, there were no entries at all in november.
i had always used my blog most willingly to convey my feelings. my thoughts. these human ideas running in my mind in the nights/or days. esp a few years ago, when my emotions were - as often described by me myself - roller coaster like.
as a human, i LOVE to feel human. thats why im here tonight. once again im beating abt the bush. or rather, im typing down whatever comes to my mind now. there were a few issues that i had thought about tonight. before that, in my real life chats with ben, and also yj, there were also a few points that i wanted to address, and maybe rediscover.
yes, im "emo" again. not emo emo until emo one corner, but i feel human again. guess what, u will not stop reading the word human. it WILL pop up again and again in this post. so maybe i should go to the point. the point is this was one of the nights when i just know i had to take a trip down memory lane, and to think about my life, what i am, what i want to be. human thoughts once again.
so i got myself up, on-ed my laptop, typed this text. typing i mean. since i was feeling kinda emo, i opened up my box. one of my boxes.
yes. these boxes are what i use to store things. gifts from ppl, letters, some personal and probably secretive stuff i meant to kept. for a rainy day? nope, for an emo night like this one. and indeed, just as i lifted the lid off the tin, i had the feeling. nostalgia? not that strong. im not sure how i should label it, probably a mix of emotions and reminiscence. however u spell that. haha.
in this particular tin, most of the stuff were jc stuff. i had just read a couple of short messages from councillors i received then. i read them and i felt close again. these ppl whom i had such strong bonding with, and now its like all gone. memories, never erased though. the best days of my life, most enriching. (maybe that will change after i have a child on my own haha). the common thing is that they tell me, to stay the way i am. lame. cheerful. always full of crap hahaha. that is, who i am. i live by this rule. im happy when YOU are happy. i feel that its my duty to keep ppl ard me, who matters, happy. and entertained. i love smiles. i love the way ppl look at u and laugh. but now i think, have i done so? perhaps the underlying principle and guiding values have not changed, but i do realise that i am not perceived in this way now. the so-called-gummieness. haha as some term it, had not been around so strongly. i felt a little guilty. why? have i changed? am i still the gum i used to be? i dunno. i think i am changed, but i hope i can instill the sense of gummieness into myself, and influence ppl ard me again. i hope. not easy, but i hope.
ok im still very lame. hahha. even lamer. and more bhb now. lol.
i had a note book. a tiny one that i kept with me on my trip to hk. haha that was four years ago! and it was pretty funny. i listed out all the meals i had then. every day. all the expenses. hahaha.
and some pieces of notes i wrote to someone during one council event. oh man its totally er xin now that i read it hahahhahaha. but thats who i am! who i was rather. its really truly qt disgusting haha not in a R rated way of cos. just kinda, childish? mushy? i dunno. and i kept those with me. luckily. luckily.
and now i have in front of me, my diary. haha. yes i kept a diary. i should keep one, and continue keeping one, but im too inhuman to do so now. and too lazy. too san fen zong re du. now lemme go and read some of it first. haha there werent many entries, but im sure they will revoke some strong emotions in me...
~
im still readin my diary. not many entries. and very funny. haha so things i wrote were qt mmhmm as well ahhaha. and many things i forget le! omggg. and also reminded me of many things. hmm orange smiley? i cant recall that!
haha okay im still reading, and im pretty shag now alr. its 230am! haha wrote less i expected. maybe if i feel human soon i will continue more here. but for now, i guess this is it and i shall finish reading and then go and rest alr.
the whole bunch of entries were all abt _____ and _____ actually.
thoughts, ideas, memories, human.
tonight i was about to sleep just a few minutes past 12 mn, then i lied down on my bed, thinking about stuff. much stuff. many stuff. i couldnt fall asleep. probably cos i have had late nights previously, but more so becos of the thoughts and conversations that i had tonight. in contrast with discussions about energy equations and margules and ATGCCCTAA, this had to be the most human night of recent years. of cos im exaggerating. but months.
so as i was lying on my bed, i knew, at the back of my mind, that i would wake up eventually and end up here. perhaps at that point the decision was alr made, but watever. too many things were going through my mind. tonight, i felt i had to pen it down, cos i guess i will lose myself very soon again. blog i had to. this place which had been left breeding mozzies for the past month. yes, there were no entries at all in november.
i had always used my blog most willingly to convey my feelings. my thoughts. these human ideas running in my mind in the nights/or days. esp a few years ago, when my emotions were - as often described by me myself - roller coaster like.
as a human, i LOVE to feel human. thats why im here tonight. once again im beating abt the bush. or rather, im typing down whatever comes to my mind now. there were a few issues that i had thought about tonight. before that, in my real life chats with ben, and also yj, there were also a few points that i wanted to address, and maybe rediscover.
yes, im "emo" again. not emo emo until emo one corner, but i feel human again. guess what, u will not stop reading the word human. it WILL pop up again and again in this post. so maybe i should go to the point. the point is this was one of the nights when i just know i had to take a trip down memory lane, and to think about my life, what i am, what i want to be. human thoughts once again.
so i got myself up, on-ed my laptop, typed this text. typing i mean. since i was feeling kinda emo, i opened up my box. one of my boxes.
yes. these boxes are what i use to store things. gifts from ppl, letters, some personal and probably secretive stuff i meant to kept. for a rainy day? nope, for an emo night like this one. and indeed, just as i lifted the lid off the tin, i had the feeling. nostalgia? not that strong. im not sure how i should label it, probably a mix of emotions and reminiscence. however u spell that. haha.
in this particular tin, most of the stuff were jc stuff. i had just read a couple of short messages from councillors i received then. i read them and i felt close again. these ppl whom i had such strong bonding with, and now its like all gone. memories, never erased though. the best days of my life, most enriching. (maybe that will change after i have a child on my own haha). the common thing is that they tell me, to stay the way i am. lame. cheerful. always full of crap hahaha. that is, who i am. i live by this rule. im happy when YOU are happy. i feel that its my duty to keep ppl ard me, who matters, happy. and entertained. i love smiles. i love the way ppl look at u and laugh. but now i think, have i done so? perhaps the underlying principle and guiding values have not changed, but i do realise that i am not perceived in this way now. the so-called-gummieness. haha as some term it, had not been around so strongly. i felt a little guilty. why? have i changed? am i still the gum i used to be? i dunno. i think i am changed, but i hope i can instill the sense of gummieness into myself, and influence ppl ard me again. i hope. not easy, but i hope.
ok im still very lame. hahha. even lamer. and more bhb now. lol.
i had a note book. a tiny one that i kept with me on my trip to hk. haha that was four years ago! and it was pretty funny. i listed out all the meals i had then. every day. all the expenses. hahaha.
and some pieces of notes i wrote to someone during one council event. oh man its totally er xin now that i read it hahahhahaha. but thats who i am! who i was rather. its really truly qt disgusting haha not in a R rated way of cos. just kinda, childish? mushy? i dunno. and i kept those with me. luckily. luckily.
and now i have in front of me, my diary. haha. yes i kept a diary. i should keep one, and continue keeping one, but im too inhuman to do so now. and too lazy. too san fen zong re du. now lemme go and read some of it first. haha there werent many entries, but im sure they will revoke some strong emotions in me...
~
im still readin my diary. not many entries. and very funny. haha so things i wrote were qt mmhmm as well ahhaha. and many things i forget le! omggg. and also reminded me of many things. hmm orange smiley? i cant recall that!
haha okay im still reading, and im pretty shag now alr. its 230am! haha wrote less i expected. maybe if i feel human soon i will continue more here. but for now, i guess this is it and i shall finish reading and then go and rest alr.
the whole bunch of entries were all abt _____ and _____ actually.
thoughts, ideas, memories, human.
Friday, October 29, 2010
i dunno
wat to blog abt, just feel like updating my blog. haha.
there is this part of my which isnt sure of myself anymore. sometimes i feel things, think about things that i would not if its someone else. which leads me to think whether there is something else in my mind. but in sorting thoughts out, i guess its just a so-called transition period kinda thing. definitely need some time to change things and smooth it out. its great to be able to advance on another front, although not most desirable previously but it looks like its the best way to go forward now. i think i need something else to come into the picture, of higher importance, before i can be 100% confident of saying that i've moved on.
maybe my thinking is qt rigid (engr trained) LOL. thus i need some time to change my mentality completely. im constantly reminding myself.
perhaps its just a weird transition, considering the circumstances and things and ppl involved. but once again, im truly grateful and glad that its working out very well (:
there is this part of my which isnt sure of myself anymore. sometimes i feel things, think about things that i would not if its someone else. which leads me to think whether there is something else in my mind. but in sorting thoughts out, i guess its just a so-called transition period kinda thing. definitely need some time to change things and smooth it out. its great to be able to advance on another front, although not most desirable previously but it looks like its the best way to go forward now. i think i need something else to come into the picture, of higher importance, before i can be 100% confident of saying that i've moved on.
maybe my thinking is qt rigid (engr trained) LOL. thus i need some time to change my mentality completely. im constantly reminding myself.
perhaps its just a weird transition, considering the circumstances and things and ppl involved. but once again, im truly grateful and glad that its working out very well (:
Monday, October 25, 2010
wasteful weekend
this was the first four day weekend of a few more to come. and i have wasted this one terribly! no concrete advancement in work, tutorials or reading up notes. ohmytian. angry with myself. somethings wrong. i need to stay disciplined. from now on!
Friday, October 22, 2010
> 2 weeks
since i last blogged! hahaha. oh wells, kinda sick two weeks ago and then trying to catch up with the lag and din really on com most of the time. haha. i think the real reason is that i have found another outlet to cyber rant/vent/type/emo.
haha twitter is good for me to post more fei4 but helpful short updates. fb had always been there for me lol. and now also its not so easy to post POTD cos last time i take photos and send to my com over bluetooth. thats v convenient but now i use iphone and its qt mafan to send it over! plus i upload it directly to fb. hahaha.
so i guess there will be less/or even no more POTD section on this blog. i thank everyone for their support over the past months haha. oh its about a year alr! woots. i guess most pics will be on fb instead of here.
i will continue to post some more stuff here. maybe more abt the stuff i think about or such ba. (:
haha twitter is good for me to post more fei4 but helpful short updates. fb had always been there for me lol. and now also its not so easy to post POTD cos last time i take photos and send to my com over bluetooth. thats v convenient but now i use iphone and its qt mafan to send it over! plus i upload it directly to fb. hahaha.
so i guess there will be less/or even no more POTD section on this blog. i thank everyone for their support over the past months haha. oh its about a year alr! woots. i guess most pics will be on fb instead of here.
i will continue to post some more stuff here. maybe more abt the stuff i think about or such ba. (:
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Monday, October 4, 2010
POTD 04-10-10
KOI's business is so damn good in Singapore, with queues at almost any single time at every outlet. They are earning so much that they are willing to pay 4.8k per hour for a part-timer!
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