Seven years in a row, i've been to MAF. there are ppl who come back every year, but there are really not a lot. some cant help it, some dont want to come, some dun see the point. but for me, its an important date of the year that i always make it a point, and a priority.
Perhaps its because i was a councillor. and thus i make it a point to be there every year. Sometimes, i wonder if its just a mindless obligation, that started when we entered hwa chong and the tchrs told us that thousands of hwa chongians return to sch on MAF every year.
MAF holds an important place in my heart. The first big event that we had that had numerous tiring yet fun work sessions. Fountain! haha.. and of the 7 events, this is the main one which attracts so many ppl. It has all the elements of hc life. the people, the class benches, the central and inner plaza, the teachers, the songs, the dances, the cheers. And youth and energy of course (:
The first MAF i was at was our own. it was really exciting. at the welfare booth selling tshirts/bears and what not, and at the fountain srsly praying that the pumps will not short circuit like they frequently do. and of cos, for dry weather. all we wanted was for it to be successful, without major hiccups. When it was over, it was truly a moment to be proud of. Its awesome in a way that these 43 ppl alongside you have all worked hard for this 4 hours and it all paid off!
And the next year, in j2, going back to MAF was truly emotional for me. Stepping down was one of the saddest moments of my life. and to be back and witnessing the juniors putting on their version of this show, and to immerse in the intensive emotions due to a surge of memories and nostalgia, unbelievable. It was as exciting as ever, as emotional as ever. at the song session, along with so many councillors who are back, arms around each other. we sing the songs, that really meant a lot to me. the words, the tunes, its as though they speak our story. The connection to HC was really high. and this feeling extended for one year or so after graduation. This spirit stayed within me for much of the first half of my army days as well.
Then, as the years pass, this strong sense of connection slowly, but surely, faded. Other than seeing my old friends around, being back in the school did not cause an emotional surge as it had used to in the first few years. different, it was. it was less awesome too.
Yesterday, when i sang the songs, the feelings were different. it wasnt as emo as it used to be, and more fun (: and interestingly, i can still rmbr the dance quite well! except for one or two parts, the main mass dances were good haha.
Although it is different now, the attachment to HC has faded, some things are still the same. the two jokers of our batch still being so loud and irritating hahaha. and in our small group of ppl left, although we have all moved on with our individual lives, we can feel that there is still a kind of connection between ppl. its like, its different, but essentially we are still the same. the same old kids from HC. our inner selves have not changed much.
thus, i say its different, but still the same. its no longer awesome in that way that it touched me years ago, but now, it is awesome in its own way (: i dun have to be super high, super enthusiatic and super touched to feel awesome. in a more toned down manner, feeling comfortable at home and seeing the smiles of the ppl around you, its another level of awesomeness all together.
MAF, you always add dimensions to my thoughts.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Thursday, September 1, 2011
2.5 mths
What! its been 2.5 months since i was last here! haha. jialat. okay its time to revive this blog.. hmmm not that i dun have anything to blog, but i have been lazy (as usual) and i have found another outlet as well. i guess i would try, once again, to revive this place for the n-th time?
recently been back to school. not really lagging a lot but still lagging in readings and not really in the mood of schwork yet! well i guess this week is the real start. the tuts are getting difficult and time will run out fast, so its probably time to start bucking up. hahaha. well, i always say this... but reality goes the other direction =X
and i dunno why, im starting to feel a bit emo recently as well. sucky at times, but i know i like this emo feeling becos as always it makes me feel real and human. there is nth going on that is supp to affect me greatly, but being me, theres bound to be things ard that can do this job.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
me and myself
its true that interviews are good for us because they allow us to know ourselves better.
i havent ever had really important and serious interviews yet in my life though, this monday i was at grant a wish interview to get into the OC. but a small interview liddat also got me thinking after that.. of cos there are the usual "oh i should have said that!" and "that sounds really lame to me now =.=" , but the first question they asked me alr got me thinking.
so, use three words to describe yourself.
i didnt really think abt it before specifically, so i took a while, but my mind was rather in a blank at wad to really say. after replying with - - and -, i had to add "most of the time" to it haha. thats because i dont like to lie, and the things that i said are not truly me all the while.
but after thinking abt it, i realised that the one thing that i truly cling tightly onto is my sense of humour. from a young age, i had always liked to be funny, make ppl laugh, and seeing ppl smile has always been a huge encouragement for me. i believe ppl ard me can also feel that. i dun feel comfortable when there is no laughter, im not used to that kinda atmosphere. my humour is really very important to me and i believe it will stay with me for the rest of my life (:
also, i had been thinking that im actually quite an oxymoron! i mean there are too many times when i behave in two maybe extreme ways in separate ocassions. for example, im positive, but im also negative. im cheerful, but im also emo. u know. its kinda messy!! i like to see the two sides to a coin, thats probably why i behave differently at different times also..?
on a side note, there is a void in my life now, i believe there are a few things would fit in well. not that im considering all of them or attempting them:
- noble ambition in life
- a girlfriend
- religion
Monday, June 13, 2011
involuntary response
wanted to talk abt this for a long time, just, as usual, din pen it down then.
that day after my run, i wasnt expecting to run into ppl so in my mind i was wholy focused on continuing with what i had planned to do, which would be to head home, simply. den when i bumped into something unexpected, by right i should have stopped for a while, maybe check it out, hang out for like a few sentences of chit chat at the very least. thats what i would have expected myself to do if you had asked me.
but after this small little incident, im very very clear of what had happened to me.
from start to end, it probably lasted abt 5 secs. or even less. and given this short period of time to respond and the surprise nature of the incident, i know on hindsight that my very first and involuntary response was precisely the true reflection of my real feelings. there was no time to think, to adapt, nor to consider social norms and manners and what not. im 100% sure that reponse is 100% real.
i didnt take a second look, i greeted, and i walked away back to my original course of action. that is when i know, i've trained myself so well over the past, hmm four months to do this, to walk away, to avoid, to reduce. its grown into a part of me already. its just the facts of life.
this has been a huge part of my uni life so far. somehow, there is a shadow, a force, a shield. when will that be over, i dunno. perhaps i just need something new. perhaps i can nv get over that. but likely, this will stay with me for at least two more years?
there are too many things that im afraid of right now. yes im that weak. some places, some actions, everytime it gives me a bit of that epic sinking feeling i had for weeks previously. just 10% of that maybe, but constant reminders.
many times i try to be the best person in the world, to do the best things, to be correct, upright, do the right thing. but increasingly i see my limitations. there are many things i cant do, i just cant. call me weak, i call it being me. its natural, its kai him, so i accept that.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
when it really hurts
when it really hurts,
thats when you know it was truly worth having.
one of the several mini-lessons that modern family had reminded me about (:
Saturday, June 4, 2011
oh mans
oh mans whats with me. trying to revive my blog but totally left it dying again haha. okay a short post.
i was thinking, yes a couple should not be hiding things from one another, but yet again there is no absolute need to share everything you know w the other half right? sometimes when i share something with you, so something with you, or just do something that you know, i do not mean that i have given the consent for you to share it with your other half. u two should have some kinda of trust btwn each other, but as friends, you and i should be having some sorta trust too?
its just that sometimes as my friend, i share something with you expecting you to honour our "unspoken agreement of confidentiality". its kinda like trust btwn frens, you dont go ard telling others what we two share, you nv know how private i might have considered it to be..
and its also scary sometimes to think that everything between me and a fren is talked abt to someone else? hmm. again i might just be being myself - extra sensitvie and thinking too much. but for me i like to feel like there is a special relationship or connection btwn me and each of my friends and in the way i mentioned above, it is somehow lost and im not fully comfortable with it. especially if that something is impt to me or i share it becos i trust that you keep it to -yourself-, with the appt of being my friend, and not somebody else's partner.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Saturday, March 26, 2011
v tiring semester
it has been a really tiring semester. and at times i do think: why am i torturing myself like this?
to start it off, i am taking 7 modules this sem. i have known that its gonna be tough, and i had also said b4 that actually its still all right becos the difficulty was somehow still considered manageable. after all, its not by the number of modules/ number of MCs, but largely by the CN module code haha. well through 10 weeks alr, i think it wasnt THAT tough. but i had to spend substantial amounts of time on each module, that is abt 5 modules plus half a lab report per week, plus one tutorial prep once in a while for EG. i had not put too much time into EG and lab, ok i had not put in too much effort for in depth understanding of every mod actually. but its still mentally draining to be at work mode, 24/7.
but that said, other than EG, at least i feel that im not badly lagging in any single module too badly this time round. i agar agar know most of the things, and 2116 is mostly too tough to comprehend completely lol. so im still hopeful it will all be all right!
a few more deadlines these two weeks for 2 projects and 1 ppt and 2 tests mainly. and UCL coming up as well LOL. gotta tahan more tiring weeks and nights ba.
also been occupied at times by SEP stuffs. glad that its mostly settled for the time being. as for VIP, still no news yet! argh. i guess i shld start applying elsewhr too soon!? if not gonna be hard to find right. zzz. but a bit lazy and sian and difficult man. i hope they just offer me the place la LOL.
work aside, i also had to cope with some other matters that made me rather emo at times. got me thinking abt much stuff and thats energy sapping as well. but im glad for im taking 7 modules and this commitment kept me on track and not too far away. if not im sure i would have wandered off further than i had. im living pretty well with it, although i realised that my views and thoughts might have changed a bit.
i notice that i have lost the courage to believe in others. no offense to any of my good frens. but its really true. i had used to believe in my own judgement of someone else. i used to believe what ppl say to be the truth. relative to my friends, i know all along im considered rather naive, or optimistic. i give ppl the benefit of doubt. but after all the things happening. i have my reservations. maybe im just wrong abt what i think. when u thought u had known all abt this person all the time, and u thought that thr was a connection btwn u two, then suddenly u realise you do not know who this person is at all. all u had thought, isnt true. and u nv knew what was on that person's mind. and what was the truth. believe me, u will start to lose faith in believing in urself again. or the courage to believe that they actually care abt u.
that said, if u read this entry, i guess you would be feeling a bit sad or thinking that im gonna be EMO TTM. hahaha but im fine. just thoughts that had been on my mind for a long long time, just that i only decided to pen it down today. and its random whining and typing out any words that come to mind, so it isnt as coherent and probably not 100% accurately delivered. but bottomline: im doing good (:
so, a tiring semester, and one more difficult month ahead! looking fwd to the final challenge of the semester: the exams.
to start it off, i am taking 7 modules this sem. i have known that its gonna be tough, and i had also said b4 that actually its still all right becos the difficulty was somehow still considered manageable. after all, its not by the number of modules/ number of MCs, but largely by the CN module code haha. well through 10 weeks alr, i think it wasnt THAT tough. but i had to spend substantial amounts of time on each module, that is abt 5 modules plus half a lab report per week, plus one tutorial prep once in a while for EG. i had not put too much time into EG and lab, ok i had not put in too much effort for in depth understanding of every mod actually. but its still mentally draining to be at work mode, 24/7.
but that said, other than EG, at least i feel that im not badly lagging in any single module too badly this time round. i agar agar know most of the things, and 2116 is mostly too tough to comprehend completely lol. so im still hopeful it will all be all right!
a few more deadlines these two weeks for 2 projects and 1 ppt and 2 tests mainly. and UCL coming up as well LOL. gotta tahan more tiring weeks and nights ba.
also been occupied at times by SEP stuffs. glad that its mostly settled for the time being. as for VIP, still no news yet! argh. i guess i shld start applying elsewhr too soon!? if not gonna be hard to find right. zzz. but a bit lazy and sian and difficult man. i hope they just offer me the place la LOL.
work aside, i also had to cope with some other matters that made me rather emo at times. got me thinking abt much stuff and thats energy sapping as well. but im glad for im taking 7 modules and this commitment kept me on track and not too far away. if not im sure i would have wandered off further than i had. im living pretty well with it, although i realised that my views and thoughts might have changed a bit.
i notice that i have lost the courage to believe in others. no offense to any of my good frens. but its really true. i had used to believe in my own judgement of someone else. i used to believe what ppl say to be the truth. relative to my friends, i know all along im considered rather naive, or optimistic. i give ppl the benefit of doubt. but after all the things happening. i have my reservations. maybe im just wrong abt what i think. when u thought u had known all abt this person all the time, and u thought that thr was a connection btwn u two, then suddenly u realise you do not know who this person is at all. all u had thought, isnt true. and u nv knew what was on that person's mind. and what was the truth. believe me, u will start to lose faith in believing in urself again. or the courage to believe that they actually care abt u.
that said, if u read this entry, i guess you would be feeling a bit sad or thinking that im gonna be EMO TTM. hahaha but im fine. just thoughts that had been on my mind for a long long time, just that i only decided to pen it down today. and its random whining and typing out any words that come to mind, so it isnt as coherent and probably not 100% accurately delivered. but bottomline: im doing good (:
so, a tiring semester, and one more difficult month ahead! looking fwd to the final challenge of the semester: the exams.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
in a group, plus another half
random thoughts while taking a shower. decided to blog it down first (of cos the delay of doing tut for 10 mins is encouraging LOL).
anw i was thinking that, for me at least, having a couple in a small social circle really makes things weird. maybe not weird, i just dun like it. like whenever u have a small gathering, then suddenly someone brings along a girlfriend/boyfriend. awkwardness is sure to set in. even if everyone knows each other, i still feel that it is a no-no. at least at my level now. i gues when everyone gets married then its also another thing altogether.
i have no problems being around ppl who are attached or what, but, when the other half is present as well, i just feel unatural. i feel like im being restricted to the things we can talk about. and i cannot face my friend as though he/she is just my friend. but its a pair alr. they are by social norms supposed to be a pair and come together, buy one get one free style.
i find it rather tough to bring my thoughts across in words. but the general idea is that things change when the other half is around. for me, when i speak to u in a group and when i speak to u in private/ one-on-one situation. its very different. so i feel that if a couple is there, its weird for me to talk to one of them only. once again they come as a pair. i must only talk about things everyone knows about. surface topics. its not right for me to bring 1/2 outside and discuss issues only relevant to us two.
of cos thats my own perception only. im sure many ppl have similar feelings, just as many dun see why i think this is an issue to even write about. that being said. i was trying to recall any friends i have who i can hang ard comfortably when two halves are present, and i havent found one yet.
what do u think?
anw i was thinking that, for me at least, having a couple in a small social circle really makes things weird. maybe not weird, i just dun like it. like whenever u have a small gathering, then suddenly someone brings along a girlfriend/boyfriend. awkwardness is sure to set in. even if everyone knows each other, i still feel that it is a no-no. at least at my level now. i gues when everyone gets married then its also another thing altogether.
i have no problems being around ppl who are attached or what, but, when the other half is present as well, i just feel unatural. i feel like im being restricted to the things we can talk about. and i cannot face my friend as though he/she is just my friend. but its a pair alr. they are by social norms supposed to be a pair and come together, buy one get one free style.
i find it rather tough to bring my thoughts across in words. but the general idea is that things change when the other half is around. for me, when i speak to u in a group and when i speak to u in private/ one-on-one situation. its very different. so i feel that if a couple is there, its weird for me to talk to one of them only. once again they come as a pair. i must only talk about things everyone knows about. surface topics. its not right for me to bring 1/2 outside and discuss issues only relevant to us two.
of cos thats my own perception only. im sure many ppl have similar feelings, just as many dun see why i think this is an issue to even write about. that being said. i was trying to recall any friends i have who i can hang ard comfortably when two halves are present, and i havent found one yet.
what do u think?
Friday, March 11, 2011
worst ppt preparation ever
i had my acc tutorial ppt this afternoon. this was truly the worst build up to a ppt ever!
ok we really should have done the tut over the weekend and quickly discuss and collate. of cos we didnt. ok excuse for me: saturday i was still having TWO mid terms till night time. but then later on in the week gotta do cn tuts and stuff, in the end i only did my tutorial on thursday morning. cuis. my bad.
and so i finished the hard copy at abt maybe 9pm? i had totally underestimated the time needed to convert hard to soft copy. omg in the end i worked till abt 1+am den finish my part of the ppt, and did the other questions till 3am. okay im really a bad grp member, its part work, and i really shld have taken the inititative to ensure everything was up early. well i didnt. i worked so last minute every partner should HATE ME.
guess what, he was even slower than me! he told me he can only finish in the morning. ok fine cant help it, last minute alr do the best we can. den he just sms me saying that den nv reply alr. i was still awaiting his sms la. ok nvm, maybe he sleep alr. without finishing his work.
in the morning, i sms him to remind him to keep me in the loop. he told me sending to me soon he hopes. okay and he asked me to collate. fine, i had 10-2 lectures and tut was at 3. ok i shall sacrifice a bit and pon my lecture, after all i had to responsible for not doing this much earlier also. his soon wasnt soon. =.= sent me at abt 11. okay den i work on it, myself at the chinese library. from 11 to like 2 plus. collating and editing the format and stuff. some disparities here and there, sorting things out, still manageable.
den i ask him when he can meet. and he told me at 135pm he was on his way to sch. !!! wat!? ya at home? u ask me to compile den tell me ya at home =.= srsly. i have lectures leh. pls. den he also nv tell me wat time he reaching, he made it sound like he was reaching soon. i waited and waited and waited and no sign of him. 220 alr, haven even run thru or print. wts. i smsed him den he told me he reaching in like 20 mins. wth! angry. he wasnt even bothered abt the printing part also. k fine i go thinklab and print. argh thinklab reserved. i had to queue at CL and print.
okay and in btwn made some adjustments also. 255 i was still at the CL la. i RANNN all the way to the tutorial classroom.
okay the tutorial went quite smoothly, not outstanding but good enough. nth much to "perform" anw just present answer.
but, this truly was a bad experience. bad team work, bad communication, last min prep. zzzz.
ok we really should have done the tut over the weekend and quickly discuss and collate. of cos we didnt. ok excuse for me: saturday i was still having TWO mid terms till night time. but then later on in the week gotta do cn tuts and stuff, in the end i only did my tutorial on thursday morning. cuis. my bad.
and so i finished the hard copy at abt maybe 9pm? i had totally underestimated the time needed to convert hard to soft copy. omg in the end i worked till abt 1+am den finish my part of the ppt, and did the other questions till 3am. okay im really a bad grp member, its part work, and i really shld have taken the inititative to ensure everything was up early. well i didnt. i worked so last minute every partner should HATE ME.
guess what, he was even slower than me! he told me he can only finish in the morning. ok fine cant help it, last minute alr do the best we can. den he just sms me saying that den nv reply alr. i was still awaiting his sms la. ok nvm, maybe he sleep alr. without finishing his work.
in the morning, i sms him to remind him to keep me in the loop. he told me sending to me soon he hopes. okay and he asked me to collate. fine, i had 10-2 lectures and tut was at 3. ok i shall sacrifice a bit and pon my lecture, after all i had to responsible for not doing this much earlier also. his soon wasnt soon. =.= sent me at abt 11. okay den i work on it, myself at the chinese library. from 11 to like 2 plus. collating and editing the format and stuff. some disparities here and there, sorting things out, still manageable.
den i ask him when he can meet. and he told me at 135pm he was on his way to sch. !!! wat!? ya at home? u ask me to compile den tell me ya at home =.= srsly. i have lectures leh. pls. den he also nv tell me wat time he reaching, he made it sound like he was reaching soon. i waited and waited and waited and no sign of him. 220 alr, haven even run thru or print. wts. i smsed him den he told me he reaching in like 20 mins. wth! angry. he wasnt even bothered abt the printing part also. k fine i go thinklab and print. argh thinklab reserved. i had to queue at CL and print.
okay and in btwn made some adjustments also. 255 i was still at the CL la. i RANNN all the way to the tutorial classroom.
okay the tutorial went quite smoothly, not outstanding but good enough. nth much to "perform" anw just present answer.
but, this truly was a bad experience. bad team work, bad communication, last min prep. zzzz.
good, never satisfied?
i dunno if im too greedy.
i have not done poorly, but i know i can definitely do better.
is it that im never satisfied?
is being exceptional the only way to make me really happy?
i have not done poorly, but i know i can definitely do better.
is it that im never satisfied?
is being exceptional the only way to make me really happy?
Monday, March 7, 2011
THE list.
yeah lets get this place back updated frequently!
(if you are affected by academic stuff do not read further)
i went to take a look at THE LIST just now haha. and i think again of how im not on it. well, i always wanted to be on it for like just once, u know, like lemme feel shiok for a while haha. but then its like too distant away from me, and there are so many strong ppl out thr who are not on it as well. super tough eh. hahaha.
anw, it gets me thinking sometimes. well i know im not that smart. sometimes i dunno how i do well in exams, becos i always dun understd so many things. do i deserve the good grades? haha if u ask me of cos i say yes la lol. dun take me wrong by any means, just being honest here, no offence intended.
maybe i underestimate myself? maybe im just exam smart. oh wells, not worth debating here becos we shall just let the system sort us out. but it keeps me alert and forces me to do one thing i do not really like - reflect.
then i think, those ppl on the list, are they really like damn smart ppl? or are they super hardworking. can i do as well if i force myself to do much more work for eg.? den, i think that there is a limit and there is really no pt chasing it. every sem i have been working harder and harder but i know theres a limit, somewhen i cannot go too far out and i cannot afford to push myself any further.
and once again the issue of being labelled pops up. now that i have seen it, i tend to label ppl with that. its not good isnt it? but u cant help it. in such a competitive environment, that is what many ppl look at. once ppl know where u stand, they form perceptions of u. and many times it might not be true. but once again, cant help it eh.
last sem i felt was the closest i have gone, but too bad it wasnt close enough hahaha. its just not meant to be? and this sem is confirm nono. unless, of cos, that everyone's standard is gonna drop. as internal compeitition is approaching maximum.
ok now that i have typed those i feel its kinda insignificant to me haha. but its still something i think abt sometimes.
(if you are affected by academic stuff do not read further)
i went to take a look at THE LIST just now haha. and i think again of how im not on it. well, i always wanted to be on it for like just once, u know, like lemme feel shiok for a while haha. but then its like too distant away from me, and there are so many strong ppl out thr who are not on it as well. super tough eh. hahaha.
anw, it gets me thinking sometimes. well i know im not that smart. sometimes i dunno how i do well in exams, becos i always dun understd so many things. do i deserve the good grades? haha if u ask me of cos i say yes la lol. dun take me wrong by any means, just being honest here, no offence intended.
maybe i underestimate myself? maybe im just exam smart. oh wells, not worth debating here becos we shall just let the system sort us out. but it keeps me alert and forces me to do one thing i do not really like - reflect.
then i think, those ppl on the list, are they really like damn smart ppl? or are they super hardworking. can i do as well if i force myself to do much more work for eg.? den, i think that there is a limit and there is really no pt chasing it. every sem i have been working harder and harder but i know theres a limit, somewhen i cannot go too far out and i cannot afford to push myself any further.
and once again the issue of being labelled pops up. now that i have seen it, i tend to label ppl with that. its not good isnt it? but u cant help it. in such a competitive environment, that is what many ppl look at. once ppl know where u stand, they form perceptions of u. and many times it might not be true. but once again, cant help it eh.
last sem i felt was the closest i have gone, but too bad it wasnt close enough hahaha. its just not meant to be? and this sem is confirm nono. unless, of cos, that everyone's standard is gonna drop. as internal compeitition is approaching maximum.
ok now that i have typed those i feel its kinda insignificant to me haha. but its still something i think abt sometimes.
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