in a group, plus another half

random thoughts while taking a shower. decided to blog it down first (of cos the delay of doing tut for 10 mins is encouraging LOL).

anw i was thinking that, for me at least, having a couple in a small social circle really makes things weird. maybe not weird, i just dun like it. like whenever u have a small gathering, then suddenly someone brings along a girlfriend/boyfriend. awkwardness is sure to set in. even if everyone knows each other, i still feel that it is a no-no. at least at my level now. i gues when everyone gets married then its also another thing altogether.

i have no problems being around ppl who are attached or what, but, when the other half is present as well, i just feel unatural. i feel like im being restricted to the things we can talk about. and i cannot face my friend as though he/she is just my friend. but its a pair alr. they are by social norms supposed to be a pair and come together, buy one get one free style.

i find it rather tough to bring my thoughts across in words. but the general idea is that things change when the other half is around. for me, when i speak to u in a group and when i speak to u in private/ one-on-one situation. its very different. so i feel that if a couple is there, its weird for me to talk to one of them only. once again they come as a pair. i must only talk about things everyone knows about. surface topics. its not right for me to bring 1/2 outside and discuss issues only relevant to us two.

of cos thats my own perception only. im sure many ppl have similar feelings, just as many dun see why i think this is an issue to even write about. that being said. i was trying to recall any friends i have who i can hang ard comfortably when two halves are present, and i havent found one yet.

what do u think?

worst ppt preparation ever

i had my acc tutorial ppt this afternoon. this was truly the worst build up to a ppt ever!

ok we really should have done the tut over the weekend and quickly discuss and collate. of cos we didnt. ok excuse for me: saturday i was still having TWO mid terms till night time. but then later on in the week gotta do cn tuts and stuff, in the end i only did my tutorial on thursday morning. cuis. my bad.

and so i finished the hard copy at abt maybe 9pm? i had totally underestimated the time needed to convert hard to soft copy. omg in the end i worked till abt 1+am den finish my part of the ppt, and did the other questions till 3am. okay im really a bad grp member, its part work, and i really shld have taken the inititative to ensure everything was up early. well i didnt. i worked so last minute every partner should HATE ME.


guess what, he was even slower than me! he told me he can only finish in the morning. ok fine cant help it, last minute alr do the best we can. den he just sms me saying that den nv reply alr. i was still awaiting his sms la. ok nvm, maybe he sleep alr. without finishing his work.

in the morning, i sms him to remind him to keep me in the loop. he told me sending to me soon he hopes. okay and he asked me to collate. fine, i had 10-2 lectures and tut was at 3. ok i shall sacrifice a bit and pon my lecture, after all i had to responsible for not doing this much earlier also. his soon wasnt soon. =.= sent me at abt 11. okay den i work on it, myself at the chinese library. from 11 to like 2 plus. collating and editing the format and stuff. some disparities here and there, sorting things out, still manageable.

den i ask him when he can meet. and he told me at 135pm he was on his way to sch. !!! wat!? ya at home? u ask me to compile den tell me ya at home =.= srsly. i have lectures leh. pls. den he also nv tell me wat time he reaching, he made it sound like he was reaching soon. i waited and waited and waited and no sign of him. 220 alr, haven even run thru or print. wts. i smsed him den he told me he reaching in like 20 mins. wth! angry. he wasnt even bothered abt the printing part also. k fine i go thinklab and print. argh thinklab reserved. i had to queue at CL and print.

okay and in btwn made some adjustments also. 255 i was still at the CL la. i RANNN all the way to the tutorial classroom.

okay the tutorial went quite smoothly, not outstanding but good enough. nth much to "perform" anw just present answer.

but, this truly was a bad experience. bad team work, bad communication, last min prep. zzzz.

good, never satisfied?

i dunno if im too greedy.

i have not done poorly, but i know i can definitely do better.

is it that im never satisfied?

is being exceptional the only way to make me really happy?

THE list.

yeah lets get this place back updated frequently!

(if you are affected by academic stuff do not read further)

i went to take a look at THE LIST just now haha. and i think again of how im not on it. well, i always wanted to be on it for like just once, u know, like lemme feel shiok for a while haha. but then its like too distant away from me, and there are so many strong ppl out thr who are not on it as well. super tough eh. hahaha.

anw, it gets me thinking sometimes. well i know im not that smart. sometimes i dunno how i do well in exams, becos i always dun understd so many things. do i deserve the good grades? haha if u ask me of cos i say yes la lol. dun take me wrong by any means, just being honest here, no offence intended.

maybe i underestimate myself? maybe im just exam smart. oh wells, not worth debating here becos we shall just let the system sort us out. but it keeps me alert and forces me to do one thing i do not really like - reflect.

then i think, those ppl on the list, are they really like damn smart ppl? or are they super hardworking. can i do as well if i force myself to do much more work for eg.? den, i think that there is a limit and there is really no pt chasing it. every sem i have been working harder and harder but i know theres a limit, somewhen i cannot go too far out and i cannot afford to push myself any further.

and once again the issue of being labelled pops up. now that i have seen it, i tend to label ppl with that. its not good isnt it? but u cant help it. in such a competitive environment, that is what many ppl look at. once ppl know where u stand, they form perceptions of u. and many times it might not be true. but once again, cant help it eh.

last sem i felt was the closest i have gone, but too bad it wasnt close enough hahaha. its just not meant to be? and this sem is confirm nono. unless, of cos, that everyone's standard is gonna drop. as internal compeitition is approaching maximum.

ok now that i have typed those i feel its kinda insignificant to me haha. but its still something i think abt sometimes.

what am i doing

what am i doing!! ahhhh.

mids are over

phew mids are finally over. and whats next? relax and chill and play? NAH. oh pls. its back to tutorials and reports lol. go and go and go again. i have been putting more and more effort into my work sem after sem, but it seems like its nv enough! its like i can nv cover all the aspects. or do everything on time. but it still goes on and on. these two months could be qt stressful and packed, i foresee. and if i get that internship, i will have no break after exams as well! oh mians. and if i dun get it, i have to go look for another one, which is probably even more troublesome..

wahaha, probably i will really start looking fwd to SEP by next sem. weee! but being the sentimental emotional me, i would surely dread it as much as i love it.

ranking

you will never know how highly you were ranked in my heart.

while the foolish me finally sees how you have ranked me.

weird exams

i find it a little puzzling.

why is it that as we go up the levels in NUS,

the content get harder and harder,

but the exams get easier and easier?

haunted

im still haunted. and it pops up every here and there. then and when. its forever at the back of my mind. it will be a mystery how long i will take to remove this.

even during tests, it keeps popping up. yawns. its like the first time im being affected during tests or exams. from past exp, anything normally comes really once in a while or maybe the last paper, but these two days, nah.

its haunting me, pretty unhealthy mind ive got here.

its making me negative. generally, and towards the ppl. i dun like that, but i cant ctrl it.

when i say i love to emo,

i just realised that i love to emo a bit when im not emo, cos it reminds me of pain and reality, and gets me thinking, wandering.

but i dun like to emo at all, when im truly emo, when im haunted. its bad and its an automatic involuntary response for me to keep away from it, yet it ironically comes back automatically and beyond my ctrl.

irony

isnt it such an irony. how much i was afraid to screw up the friendship but in the end, i am the one who chooses to move away from it.

i think i might never be able to accept it. the hurdle perhaps too tough for me to cross.

time will tell. it always does.

i should

spend more time here! i removed my tagboard becos there is way too much spam!

argh. i really donch like LAB REPORTSSS ahhhhhh. i feel so trapped and shag doing just a little bit of the lab report becos i really dunno whats going on and i dun feel comfortable at all. oh wells, i guess i will just yy do but i doubt the standard will be high. shit man. its 10 pages and lucky its 10 pages. so everything can be brief. sighhh. stresss ah. felt so sick just now im taking a break and continue tmr morning ba!

i dunno how this one week has gone past soooo fast! recess week is almost over and i have no recollection of how it flew past SO QUICKLY lol. its really time to up my gear mans. i forsee a tough week ahead and a difficult half sem more to go, with EG report and more lap reports looming........

many

things to think about. what am i doing. can i do it? i must try.

u know

i really wished for an answer. engineers dun like uncertainties.

its great to feel appreciated.

it had always been my belief that its great to feel appreciated, and thus i like to tell ppl how i appreciate them. but sometimes its not easy, not everyone u can look at them and tell them such stuff, or even mention something remotely close to gratitude/admiration.

and now that i have a much higher frequency of being sarcastic/ despising in a jk manner, i think i have further drifted away from who i once was. i feel comfortable jk ard in such a manner and putting ppl down, expecting them to know that i dun mean it and im just jk. most ppl believe that if u dont curse and scold each other u cant be good friends eh? hahaha.

the thing is, i dun say it doesnt mean i dun think that way. just like i dun ask doesnt mean i dun care. somewhr in the back of my mind i still wanna be the person who is straightfwd and say and do what i truly mean only, but i guess its almost impossible to attain that. my behaviour has changed. its just me now.

but once in a while, i must rmbr to tell ppl stuff i truly feel. and if u have something to tell me, do so. cos u are not a mind-reader, just like im not.

i wanna feel appreciated too (:

this links back to the prev entry too. abt connections. reciprocating verbally/physically might be the way to prove that they are real and two-way. shld be.

connection

previously, some time ago, i had been thinking abt this issue.

Do connections lie?

when u feel a connection with someone when u look them in the eye. can that be false? can it be wrong?

when u can sense the person reciprocating through that eye contact. can it be a misread?

i hope not. connections are supposed to be a two way thing, a double arrow.