a bowl of ban mian

moving blog for exchange posts!

2012-02-23T05:43:00.000+08:00

heyo! im having another blog for exchange matters so this place will be vacant for some time! haha okay it always had been like this lol. So, check it out!

Eight hours behind

PMS

2011-12-13T19:09:00.001+08:00

gosh, im PMS-ing REAL BAD.

the funniest part

2011-12-13T19:06:00.000+08:00

is that one year ago im thinking that Z is the only friend that i made in uni.

then one year later i see some of the worse misunderstandings of me by 3 ppl, because of Z directly or indirectly.

and these handful of others, linked to Z, not giving me the easiest of times.

hah hah.

i truly wonder, is it you, or is it me.

popularity index

2011-11-12T23:48:00.001+08:00

you know,

when you suddenly wanna do something, something that you really want,

the next step is to find someone to accompany you,

and the search is so difficult,

you never knew it was,

this is when,

reality strikes you and you know,

your popularity index is really not that good yaa?

girls

2011-11-12T22:51:00.000+08:00

is it that im slower (as always) and it finally comes to the stage where we all hold our hands up and say: okay i really dont understand girls.

haha before this year or so i still think im pretty fine at understanding them, time only showed otherwise! hais.. i cant seem to find the best way to handle it.

decision making

2011-11-12T13:12:00.002+08:00

Decision making is not always about making the right or wrong decision.

Sometimes it's just about making a decision.

stupid man

2011-11-12T12:17:00.000+08:00

man, a stupid animal.

we spend so much time thinking, caring about people who we care about, wishing that they would care about us as much as we do to them. we always try to engage them, talk to them but they always seem to be less interested. then we start to feel that we are irritating to them.

then when others show some care for us, we are scared. becos we dun care as much about them as they do for us. sometimes we think too much and then we restrict our reciprocation. and even think they start to get irritating at times we even wish they dun care so much for us.

we are just going nowhere.

art and aesthetics

2011-11-11T22:52:00.000+08:00

well all along, for all reports, presentations and such, i have always believed that aesthetics form a very big and important role. The person marking these assignments or listening to this ppts surely have had to go through so so so many very similar content by the many students and thus they will be bored by the content and things like that. of cos, this isnt only about marks, all along in life and other aspects i've placed emphasis on aesthetical value. who doesnt love something that looks pretty and gentle on the eye?!

and so whenever possible, i'll try my best to make things standardised, look pretty etc. for example, i have specially designed 3 of the not so many ppt slides that my grps in NUS have used, and although they arent spectacular, i believe they are pretty good! at least pleasing (to me) ya. haha. well most of the time either the tutor gives a very general feedback or just says "well done" for the group, but nv really speaks of their view on the aesthetics that i worked hard on! hahahha.

today for lab ppt, karthiga was really nice to comment on this part of our ppt! and i think she kinda liked my cute little pictorial flowcharts and stuff and generally said that our slides were good (: that really made me feell soo happy! haha my group mates all gone crazy after hearing these positive comments cos we had been preparing quite a lot and we were thinking how she might kill us and ask hard questions or stuff liddat. lol. turns out she said she liked our ppt very much yayy.

no matter how much she really meant it or she was just trying to be nice to everyone, it still made a lot of difference. for the first time my emphasis on aesthetics were actually proven and acknowledged! thats great =D and i hope she meant it too. now i cant rmbr what she said exactly and maybe there wasnt much emphasis on my pictures, but the overall idea that she acknowledges the things in ppt slides that i always look out for is very heart warming.

i still find my picture very cute! hahaha.. beautiful things ought to be appreciated (: and shared.

ntj song

2011-11-08T23:03:00.002+08:00

ntj ntj ntj

ntjjjjjjj

ntj ntj ntj ntj ntj

nnttjjj

nnnn

tttt

jjjjj jj

if there was an ntj song, i would so sing it now. again and again.

why. why must u gimme ntj. its a torture.

group dynamics

2011-11-05T21:05:00.000+08:00

its really difficult to manage group dynamics. esp when there is no one that is trying to, or no manager. everyone have their own styles and i guess they must be right to say that there are bound to be clashes while working tgt. members have different capabilities, different views, different priorities, different attitudes etc.

it is true that it is very hard to find a group of ppl that u can work with good productivity and a good experience. bounded very much by experiences (academic) w/in the schools, this is indeed relevant to me. last time in sec school/ jc it was still slightly better i guess. maybe with the higher level of tension and focus on grades in uni, things get a little worse.

in a group, i normally dun assume the leading role. i must keep myself in the loop, updated and understand the overall progress and direction of the team, but im not good at things like creativity in generating brand new ideas, or to push for deadlines and be strict abt it cos i dun have very high efficiency myself. i think i work best with ppl who all put in effort, and are able to communicate. some ppl say 遇强则强, but for me when there are other team mates who are "better" in the sense that they are more enthusiastic, are smarter/have better abilities (or act as if they do), i'd take a step back. when the team's rather cui, i'd step up more. its also important for me to enjoy the company of these people and not feel uncomfortable w em.

this is also likely due to the fact that i see being flexible and 随和 as very important qualities in a person. i dun like ppl who are too strong headed and always insist that they are right, or that their way is the best way of doing things. of cos, i certainly have times when i behave like this, but i think its fair to say that its not v frequent, and i do take other ppl's views into consideration always, unless im really strongly against it/ know that the other party is hundred per cent wrong for sure.

i know that in a group, ppl dun normally see me as a big asset, and there are many times i know im kind of under-contributing. and i dun like the feeling. im not a leech. but sometimes, i put human relations above work. under certain circumstances, the setting could be set in such a way that i cant possibly do too much without having little backfiring mechanisms acting against me here and there.

having a few recent experiences, i think that it is really important to manage group dynamics. in a group, everyone should be engaged and respected. of cos, respect is not a right, its a privilege. but however, i believe there should be effort to make sure ppl are not left out completely unless they really do not give a damn. in that case, giving them up could be more excusable. it is important for everyone to be in the loop and everyone knowing the progress, the overall picture. its so difficult to do it, though.

that said, a group can be built slowly over time and after time, ppl start to understand each other's working style much better and also, in building a team, there should be members possessing different qualities and expertise, and tgt they will make a great team. human relations are such interesting areas of research, and i really love observing and taking note of such stuffs. (and rmbring it for 10 years perhaps hahaha LTM ftw)

这几天你在那个城市天气一定晴朗因为你就是个太阳

2011-11-05T14:37:00.000+08:00

行医, lovely.

2011-10-31T22:34:00.003+08:00

cant get enough of Phil & Claire or Phil & Luke

2011-10-15T19:31:00.005+08:00

stop telling me things that i ntj.

2011-10-11T21:37:00.000+08:00

you know, there is just some ppl that u just cannot stand it. and its getting worse. omt. zzzz. its not supposed to be like this, but the things you say leave me ntj. inside me i dun even bother replying or laughing. i hope it wasnt the case but it is. and its painful to see this happen. very different ideals, different frequencies. stop telling me these things which i dun wanna hear or have ntj, stop saying stuff that has no meaning, and, dont always impose ur own mindset onto others. leave some space, dont be too extreme. no one person is always correct. what u think is correct is not always correct. allow room for other ppl, other opinions etc.. please, its difficult to communicate u know, and its painful and sometimes irritating. and stop saying that u psm say. makes me wanna roll eyes.

dang, why am i so negative. haha i needa get some positivity back!

maybe your type just doesn't exist?

2011-10-05T11:57:00.000+08:00

astrid, you said it.

70% girl, but i still dun understand 100% thems.

2011-10-03T20:35:00.000+08:00

u know, ive been saying that im 70% girl for a few months alr, becos of the many ways i think i think/behave like a girl. but saying that, i still have to concede that im just a guy. and still a guy haha. and i still dun understand girls.

well, some time back i thought i did. or maybe i really do, but subconsciously i do not trust my instincts totally and feel that i might be wrong. thus eventually when my thoughts deviate from what i originally thought girls were thinking, i end up not understanding them.

there are many instances. and i shall not cover many of them now. just like to point out one. well sometimes i get a feeling that L is trying to distant herself as much away from me as possible. im guessing that she feels that i might be interested in her and she doesnt want to give me any false hopes or ideas. actually i just wanna know her better, dun really have other motives or what. if she keeps giving me this distance, i guess i should back off and not try to make things uncomfortable for her.

den again, some part of me has to decide when to give up trying. its a very difficult skill. if i stop now, den i think what might have been. if i keep going, things might end up ugly. if i ask ppl, they will tell me to go for it and i have nth to lose. or if u dun try u never know. yes thats true. but if she is pushing me away i should be more sensitive and not cause her more harm right? very difficult to understand girls. hahaha. maybe its because they dont believe that a guy can want to just be friends and know them better. or maybe guys really wont want that but im forcing myself to believe that? i dunno.

70% girl, but i dunno how a girl thinks. its likely because the 30% guy that i am allows me to be more thick-skinned and be able to take more initiative. for now, i think its a no.

buey gumm

2011-09-30T22:38:00.000+08:00

and talking abt buey gum, it is really true that some ppl are just buey gum.

overheard three girls talking on the train on wednesday night, they were talking abt guys hahahaa. and others. one of them was talking about "emotional distance" and i tot that sounded quite right. some ppl just have emotional distance between them and its as though its impossible to bridge that gap!

of cos, sometimes it is bridged, and sometimes the gap forms or widens.

i am kind of like a very down-to-earth and a very people person. i like to ask about ppl and talk to them about more personal stuff. and with my LTM i rmbr a lot of stuff about my friends. well it looks like i make an effort to rmbr what they say, mayb i do sub consciously haha. thus i prefer mixing with ppl who are as real and sincere. budden, sometimes i joke a lot and say funny things, i was thinking maybe others think that im not so real becos i always say quite non-sensical stuff!! hahahah.. and when ppl dun ask me questions like i ask them, i dun really tell them abt my side of the story all the time.

thats why i enjoy talking to sincere people. u can feel that they care and they share.

buey gum

2011-09-30T22:09:00.000+08:00

its depressing that i take pride in things like small talk and human interaction and conversations, but i cant seem to handle group work. esp pair work. one thing im afraid of is that i can barely find ppl with the same kinda working style as me, so maybe next time at work or something its gonna get even worse. maybe its something about me and academics, i dun seem to be able to get along well with academically related stuff other than tests and exams!

oh wells. its really difficult to keep going when two people are rather insistent on their own stand and not making compromises. plus a little bit of mismatched frequency and time limitations, things get out of hand. its like just buey gum. cant seem to agree to things. i think that you are too persistent, so i decided to not strain things further by letting u have the say in almost everything. since u wouldnt have listened to much of my view anw. den it seems like im not helping and that u are doing everything. but thats becos im too tired to say things becos sadly, whenever there is a conflict of view, someone has to give way and if that doesnt happen to small things, work will never get done.

so i got tired and decided to go along with really anything and everything, okay almost everything. it was a low point becos i hardly rmbr myself being so compromising to an extent it really doesnt look like its a compromise but more of a following along. like i have no stand liddat. its really sad that things got to that stage.

all this is over and it turned out well, and better than i may have imagined. but it got me thinking. isit necessary for ppl to get through working tgt before knowing how their relationship truly is? can friends do without working tgt and maintain a good friendship and say that they know each other? isit that once u have worked well tgt it shows that two ppl are of similar frequency and are compatible? can u say that u get along well with one person before trying working tgt? its a good question to think about. how about the case for couples? should they be able to work tgt well to show that they are on the same wavelength? can we draw parallels from work to things like family management issues?

thinking about things like this a lot, typical me. haha. but im really sad that things turned out like that and i really should put in more effort in making things work better! or maybe, its just like what i say, some ppl are just buey gum. cant help it ya.

FINALLY

2011-09-23T20:36:00.000+08:00

i really didnt think that i could have made it through this sphere of negativity i engulfed myself in for the past half a year, BUT I DID!
yayy. its about time. i didnt think i could have made it, but this past week has been quite positive for me with new things to think about, to be excited over. and having talked much more and also crapping w the guys had made me open up better and feeling more energetic in general. im so glad. before that i was still thinking, should i push myself and make it happen? i really like to draw an analogy with chemical reactions.

its a good comparison becos it was like a high activation energy reaction and sometimes i had this energy, but the initial slope was too much for me to climb. with a good blend of happenings and developments in my feelings i think i reached a energy level just enough to overcome this barrier, and i maintained it for some time!! once the rds is completed, the rest will not be limiting the rate of rxn. with free speech and laughing that is real laughter, i know i did it. the tide has changed, and this, is a new era.

its great to overcome it and please please let it stay this way. it wasnt easy for me. at all. to be able to put things down and laugh like i mean it. its truly a day to celebrate, 210911. no bitterness. nor bittersweetness. excellent work.

The reaction is complete, and its time to move on to synthesizing some other compound.

mood

2011-09-19T19:10:00.000+08:00

its amazing how my mood can just change, about hearing something sian about someone, which doesnt affect me. its these kinda things, like u wanna help to make it better and happier for this person but u dunno what to do and this person also dun need me to help or wad. haha. its just moody.

and this story below really shows how over-emotional i am! hahaha, by seeing :') and hearing abt this smiley being known as bittersweet :') i feel so "awwwwww" and a felt that little tingling feel. haha if i think abt it a bit more i think i can get teary and wanna cry alr laaa! total over.

good days

2011-09-16T19:48:00.000+08:00

i had quite an awesome past two days. actually it kinda started on saturday! saturday was MAF and before that i went to gt's place to catch the final two eps of laughing woots, den later went to MAF, and after some "supper" back at home to catch man u vs bolton! it was kinda like almost one whole day when i leave my current state of mind (as a chem engr student) and go for a short trip liddat. dun need to fan abt sch, dun need to emo abt other stuff. just a short getaway from my life, back to the past for a while too! this kinda feeling when u dump everything to one side for one day, shiok max!

den thursday was something liddat again. went for xia wu cha w gt, awesome imperial treasue food. just sad that theres no food that makes me really happy alr nowadays. its great, delicious, but i get my taste buds happy but not my whole person. den walked a lot a lot and eventually ended up at mbs, watching the laser show at 930pm. it was great not becos of the show itself only, but becos these are the things u do as a tourist and at night at mbs and the marina area, u really get away from the buzz of the city and chillax one corner. its like an escape all tgt again. of cos, the company was equally impt if not more (:

den back home, had a very stupid lame msn convo with the guys hahaha.. was really crappy and no substance but as usual i love this kind responsive and lame chats that supposedly tried to stir shit and also gossip a bit. its been some time and its really cool to stay up till 2am for nth at all. i was qt high, maybe from the caffeine overdoes from ice milk tea and gongcha milk tea again.. talk cock is one of my all time fav yaaa?

haha and today i think it was quite a moody day from afternoon. so much so that it made me realise how much my mood can suddenly change so drastically, somewhat like a girl haha. 70% girl description for me could really be quite close to the real %tage eh? hahaha. ok but the end of the sch day was improved greatly.

it was really refreshing to meet someone this frank, energetic and bubbly. i think its just how this person is, but nonetheless its a very comfortable chat with a person full of energy. i felt it the first time we talked alr and its amazing how its like we dun even know each other but it just goes on and on. i always look up to ppl with this kinda born ability. People like this are awesome becos they have this natural ability to lighten the mood and energy is contagious!

they deserve better

2011-09-14T21:33:00.000+08:00

i could have talked to you abt it. but i know u dun really want to talk to me.

i wanted to post this on fb as u might see it and see my point. i opted not.

here i am, posting on this blog which is probably read by less than 2 ppl. well, there is still a chance u might get to see this. so here is my message to you, regardless of whether u see it or not.

seriously, wake up. i dunno. i really shouldnt have this poor attitude. but the truth is, i have. i have this negativity and a less than normal response towards you. i think im biased, thats true as well. but gimme some credit for what im abt to say.

please, just wake up. you have no idea how fortunate you are. u have friends like these two ppl who i see. they are really good to you, they are really nice to you. they put in effort for you. but the way i see it, you are just being urself, not reciprocating. of cos, i might be wrong and so if i am, then ignore me. but if im right, or even partially right, maybe u can reflect upon this. you know, when these ppl treat you so well, they deserve better. they deserve for your appreciation, for you to do the same or even more for them. who are they? who are they to do so much for you? they deserve better. you have your reasons, you have your character, you have your thoughts. but with friend like these, you really should do better. please let them know that you care for them. or rather, please care for them.

im sorry i sound really really angry. i am qt frustrated. its probably becos i was once like them, and i gave up. it is a horrible feeling for you to give, and give and give, and when the other party just doesnt doesnt care. you have these awesome friends around you, and probably more than what i see. please let them know that they are appreciated. even if its not ur style, do it becos, with friends like this, you know u are one of the most fortunate people in the world.

please dun treat them less than they deserve, or i fear many more kaihim's might happen along the way.

please, they deserve better, much better.

1/x

2011-09-13T20:10:00.000+08:00

sometimes i just feel that tuesdays are not too good a day for me. like today. okay it ended much better than it could have been though haha. maybe it was just a day when i didnt feel like being alone and wanted company. just thinking abt some things as well.

one pt to discuss is that i really wonder how ppl work sometimes. some people, they are not very nice to you when you are nice to them, they do not reciprocate your friendliness. sometimes they take a little bit of initiative, but mostly they can treat you as though you are transparent. i give them chance, and sometimes i will just be nice and be enthu or wad. But the way they do not reciprocate. its demoralising isnt it. and yet, these people are the ones who continue to be well-loved, well-regarded. despite them not giving as much as they take for example. or them not showing due appreciation.

And these people, who give more than they take, are usually forgotten. sounds common? i think it does. they are on the losing end, but somehow they continue becos they do not feel that they are losing. they accept it. maybe they are firm in their stand, maybe they are just too nice for their own good. maybe, maybe they are just stupid.

nicie gummie

2011-09-11T13:32:00.000+08:00

trying to be nice, to do the right things.

this has always been on my mind. for the whole of my life. when i was younger and more shy, i tended to behave better and look more guai1. and ppl could see the nice side of me. but these years, as i FINALLY started to be less shy (and perhaps more shameless LOL) i tend to treat ppl less nicely. of cos my heart's still more or less the same. but due to my external behaviour, on the outside i look more like a joker or something, i think that ppl really dun see who i am inside. only those closer ones or those who bother enough to understand the real me can see this side of me.

yday, jamie was telling me she thinks about me when she is thinking about doing nice things. that heard, im really comforted and glad. she says ive always been supportive of such things. haha i guess its mostly due to my half a yearly april fools and childrens day smses =D well, point is, that got me really thinking quite a bit too.

im a really good thinker in this area. i know what to do, how to be nice. but sometimes, the inertia gets into me. i think its pretty much the same for many others. we know what we should or ought to do. but its kinda weird, uncomfortable or simply, not everyone is used to expressing their nice side or sharing the joy. after hearing abt jamie's project, im now more motivated to be nice again. all it really takes is a bit of an effort, to make someone's day.

some ppl may argue, you dun need to show ppl u are nice. ppl who truly know u will know who u are. yeah. sometimes being nice to ppl may seem a little fake. its as though there is an ulterior motive of some sort. it looks quite disgusting, esp if u are only nice to erhm for eg girls u are interested in. and then u treat others way differently. yucks. then i think again. its actually not entirely true. in fact, when u demonstrate ur kindness to ppl, they will feel more willing to offer their kindness to others as well. its like, the pay it forward movie. u help someone, someone helps another one. and the world becomes a better place to live in!

simplistic, but essential. this is what makes the world go round.

im always happy to see such things happening. be it some young guy giving up his seat on the train, or someone just holding the door for you or offering you help when u look like u cant carry that 40kg load distributed over 6 bags on you.

if only we can take a bit of effort, and be nice. it makes you happy, and it makes someone else happy too. lets hope to see nicie gummie soon ((:

different different, but same.

2011-09-11T11:39:00.005+08:00

Seven years in a row, i've been to MAF. there are ppl who come back every year, but there are really not a lot. some cant help it, some dont want to come, some dun see the point. but for me, its an important date of the year that i always make it a point, and a priority.

Perhaps its because i was a councillor. and thus i make it a point to be there every year. Sometimes, i wonder if its just a mindless obligation, that started when we entered hwa chong and the tchrs told us that thousands of hwa chongians return to sch on MAF every year.

MAF holds an important place in my heart. The first big event that we had that had numerous tiring yet fun work sessions. Fountain! haha.. and of the 7 events, this is the main one which attracts so many ppl. It has all the elements of hc life. the people, the class benches, the central and inner plaza, the teachers, the songs, the dances, the cheers. And youth and energy of course (:

The first MAF i was at was our own. it was really exciting. at the welfare booth selling tshirts/bears and what not, and at the fountain srsly praying that the pumps will not short circuit like they frequently do. and of cos, for dry weather. all we wanted was for it to be successful, without major hiccups. When it was over, it was truly a moment to be proud of. Its awesome in a way that these 43 ppl alongside you have all worked hard for this 4 hours and it all paid off!

And the next year, in j2, going back to MAF was truly emotional for me. Stepping down was one of the saddest moments of my life. and to be back and witnessing the juniors putting on their version of this show, and to immerse in the intensive emotions due to a surge of memories and nostalgia, unbelievable. It was as exciting as ever, as emotional as ever. at the song session, along with so many councillors who are back, arms around each other. we sing the songs, that really meant a lot to me. the words, the tunes, its as though they speak our story. The connection to HC was really high. and this feeling extended for one year or so after graduation. This spirit stayed within me for much of the first half of my army days as well.

Then, as the years pass, this strong sense of connection slowly, but surely, faded. Other than seeing my old friends around, being back in the school did not cause an emotional surge as it had used to in the first few years. different, it was. it was less awesome too.

Yesterday, when i sang the songs, the feelings were different. it wasnt as emo as it used to be, and more fun (: and interestingly, i can still rmbr the dance quite well! except for one or two parts, the main mass dances were good haha.

Although it is different now, the attachment to HC has faded, some things are still the same. the two jokers of our batch still being so loud and irritating hahaha. and in our small group of ppl left, although we have all moved on with our individual lives, we can feel that there is still a kind of connection between ppl. its like, its different, but essentially we are still the same. the same old kids from HC. our inner selves have not changed much.

thus, i say its different, but still the same. its no longer awesome in that way that it touched me years ago, but now, it is awesome in its own way (: i dun have to be super high, super enthusiatic and super touched to feel awesome. in a more toned down manner, feeling comfortable at home and seeing the smiles of the ppl around you, its another level of awesomeness all together.

MAF, you always add dimensions to my thoughts.

2.5 mths

2011-09-01T22:50:00.002+08:00

What! its been 2.5 months since i was last here! haha. jialat. okay its time to revive this blog.. hmmm not that i dun have anything to blog, but i have been lazy (as usual) and i have found another outlet as well. i guess i would try, once again, to revive this place for the n-th time?

recently been back to school. not really lagging a lot but still lagging in readings and not really in the mood of schwork yet! well i guess this week is the real start. the tuts are getting difficult and time will run out fast, so its probably time to start bucking up. hahaha. well, i always say this... but reality goes the other direction =X

and i dunno why, im starting to feel a bit emo recently as well. sucky at times, but i know i like this emo feeling becos as always it makes me feel real and human. there is nth going on that is supp to affect me greatly, but being me, theres bound to be things ard that can do this job.

me and myself

2011-06-16T20:11:00.002+08:00

its true that interviews are good for us because they allow us to know ourselves better.

i havent ever had really important and serious interviews yet in my life though, this monday i was at grant a wish interview to get into the OC. but a small interview liddat also got me thinking after that.. of cos there are the usual "oh i should have said that!" and "that sounds really lame to me now =.=" , but the first question they asked me alr got me thinking.

so, use three words to describe yourself.

i didnt really think abt it before specifically, so i took a while, but my mind was rather in a blank at wad to really say. after replying with - - and -, i had to add "most of the time" to it haha. thats because i dont like to lie, and the things that i said are not truly me all the while.

but after thinking abt it, i realised that the one thing that i truly cling tightly onto is my sense of humour. from a young age, i had always liked to be funny, make ppl laugh, and seeing ppl smile has always been a huge encouragement for me. i believe ppl ard me can also feel that. i dun feel comfortable when there is no laughter, im not used to that kinda atmosphere. my humour is really very important to me and i believe it will stay with me for the rest of my life (:

also, i had been thinking that im actually quite an oxymoron! i mean there are too many times when i behave in two maybe extreme ways in separate ocassions. for example, im positive, but im also negative. im cheerful, but im also emo. u know. its kinda messy!! i like to see the two sides to a coin, thats probably why i behave differently at different times also..?

on a side note, there is a void in my life now, i believe there are a few things would fit in well. not that im considering all of them or attempting them:

noble ambition in life
a girlfriend
religion

involuntary response

2011-06-13T11:59:00.004+08:00

wanted to talk abt this for a long time, just, as usual, din pen it down then.

that day after my run, i wasnt expecting to run into ppl so in my mind i was wholy focused on continuing with what i had planned to do, which would be to head home, simply. den when i bumped into something unexpected, by right i should have stopped for a while, maybe check it out, hang out for like a few sentences of chit chat at the very least. thats what i would have expected myself to do if you had asked me.

but after this small little incident, im very very clear of what had happened to me.

from start to end, it probably lasted abt 5 secs. or even less. and given this short period of time to respond and the surprise nature of the incident, i know on hindsight that my very first and involuntary response was precisely the true reflection of my real feelings. there was no time to think, to adapt, nor to consider social norms and manners and what not. im 100% sure that reponse is 100% real.

i didnt take a second look, i greeted, and i walked away back to my original course of action. that is when i know, i've trained myself so well over the past, hmm four months to do this, to walk away, to avoid, to reduce. its grown into a part of me already. its just the facts of life.

this has been a huge part of my uni life so far. somehow, there is a shadow, a force, a shield. when will that be over, i dunno. perhaps i just need something new. perhaps i can nv get over that. but likely, this will stay with me for at least two more years?

there are too many things that im afraid of right now. yes im that weak. some places, some actions, everytime it gives me a bit of that epic sinking feeling i had for weeks previously. just 10% of that maybe, but constant reminders.

many times i try to be the best person in the world, to do the best things, to be correct, upright, do the right thing. but increasingly i see my limitations. there are many things i cant do, i just cant. call me weak, i call it being me. its natural, its kai him, so i accept that.

when it really hurts

2011-06-12T22:03:00.002+08:00

when it really hurts,

thats when you know it was truly worth having.

one of the several mini-lessons that modern family had reminded me about (:

oh mans

2011-06-04T22:08:00.002+08:00

oh mans whats with me. trying to revive my blog but totally left it dying again haha. okay a short post.

i was thinking, yes a couple should not be hiding things from one another, but yet again there is no absolute need to share everything you know w the other half right? sometimes when i share something with you, so something with you, or just do something that you know, i do not mean that i have given the consent for you to share it with your other half. u two should have some kinda of trust btwn each other, but as friends, you and i should be having some sorta trust too?

its just that sometimes as my friend, i share something with you expecting you to honour our "unspoken agreement of confidentiality". its kinda like trust btwn frens, you dont go ard telling others what we two share, you nv know how private i might have considered it to be..

and its also scary sometimes to think that everything between me and a fren is talked abt to someone else? hmm. again i might just be being myself - extra sensitvie and thinking too much. but for me i like to feel like there is a special relationship or connection btwn me and each of my friends and in the way i mentioned above, it is somehow lost and im not fully comfortable with it. especially if that something is impt to me or i share it becos i trust that you keep it to -yourself-, with the appt of being my friend, and not somebody else's partner.

现在

2011-05-25T16:07:00.001+08:00

以前你问我为什么这么喜欢约会,
现在你应该明白了吧.

只差在让你明白的人,
不是我.

hope is a dream that doesn't sleep

2011-05-24T10:43:00.000+08:00

dead volume

2011-05-24T10:41:00.001+08:00

haha i nearly forgot the existence of this blog. perhaps its time to revive it!

v tiring semester

2011-03-26T17:56:00.002+08:00

it has been a really tiring semester. and at times i do think: why am i torturing myself like this?

to start it off, i am taking 7 modules this sem. i have known that its gonna be tough, and i had also said b4 that actually its still all right becos the difficulty was somehow still considered manageable. after all, its not by the number of modules/ number of MCs, but largely by the CN module code haha. well through 10 weeks alr, i think it wasnt THAT tough. but i had to spend substantial amounts of time on each module, that is abt 5 modules plus half a lab report per week, plus one tutorial prep once in a while for EG. i had not put too much time into EG and lab, ok i had not put in too much effort for in depth understanding of every mod actually. but its still mentally draining to be at work mode, 24/7.

but that said, other than EG, at least i feel that im not badly lagging in any single module too badly this time round. i agar agar know most of the things, and 2116 is mostly too tough to comprehend completely lol. so im still hopeful it will all be all right!

a few more deadlines these two weeks for 2 projects and 1 ppt and 2 tests mainly. and UCL coming up as well LOL. gotta tahan more tiring weeks and nights ba.

also been occupied at times by SEP stuffs. glad that its mostly settled for the time being. as for VIP, still no news yet! argh. i guess i shld start applying elsewhr too soon!? if not gonna be hard to find right. zzz. but a bit lazy and sian and difficult man. i hope they just offer me the place la LOL.

work aside, i also had to cope with some other matters that made me rather emo at times. got me thinking abt much stuff and thats energy sapping as well. but im glad for im taking 7 modules and this commitment kept me on track and not too far away. if not im sure i would have wandered off further than i had. im living pretty well with it, although i realised that my views and thoughts might have changed a bit.

i notice that i have lost the courage to believe in others. no offense to any of my good frens. but its really true. i had used to believe in my own judgement of someone else. i used to believe what ppl say to be the truth. relative to my friends, i know all along im considered rather naive, or optimistic. i give ppl the benefit of doubt. but after all the things happening. i have my reservations. maybe im just wrong abt what i think. when u thought u had known all abt this person all the time, and u thought that thr was a connection btwn u two, then suddenly u realise you do not know who this person is at all. all u had thought, isnt true. and u nv knew what was on that person's mind. and what was the truth. believe me, u will start to lose faith in believing in urself again. or the courage to believe that they actually care abt u.

that said, if u read this entry, i guess you would be feeling a bit sad or thinking that im gonna be EMO TTM. hahaha but im fine. just thoughts that had been on my mind for a long long time, just that i only decided to pen it down today. and its random whining and typing out any words that come to mind, so it isnt as coherent and probably not 100% accurately delivered. but bottomline: im doing good (:

so, a tiring semester, and one more difficult month ahead! looking fwd to the final challenge of the semester: the exams.

in a group, plus another half

2011-03-15T17:11:00.004+08:00

random thoughts while taking a shower. decided to blog it down first (of cos the delay of doing tut for 10 mins is encouraging LOL).

anw i was thinking that, for me at least, having a couple in a small social circle really makes things weird. maybe not weird, i just dun like it. like whenever u have a small gathering, then suddenly someone brings along a girlfriend/boyfriend. awkwardness is sure to set in. even if everyone knows each other, i still feel that it is a no-no. at least at my level now. i gues when everyone gets married then its also another thing altogether.

i have no problems being around ppl who are attached or what, but, when the other half is present as well, i just feel unatural. i feel like im being restricted to the things we can talk about. and i cannot face my friend as though he/she is just my friend. but its a pair alr. they are by social norms supposed to be a pair and come together, buy one get one free style.

i find it rather tough to bring my thoughts across in words. but the general idea is that things change when the other half is around. for me, when i speak to u in a group and when i speak to u in private/ one-on-one situation. its very different. so i feel that if a couple is there, its weird for me to talk to one of them only. once again they come as a pair. i must only talk about things everyone knows about. surface topics. its not right for me to bring 1/2 outside and discuss issues only relevant to us two.

of cos thats my own perception only. im sure many ppl have similar feelings, just as many dun see why i think this is an issue to even write about. that being said. i was trying to recall any friends i have who i can hang ard comfortably when two halves are present, and i havent found one yet.

what do u think?

worst ppt preparation ever

2011-03-11T20:24:00.002+08:00

i had my acc tutorial ppt this afternoon. this was truly the worst build up to a ppt ever!

ok we really should have done the tut over the weekend and quickly discuss and collate. of cos we didnt. ok excuse for me: saturday i was still having TWO mid terms till night time. but then later on in the week gotta do cn tuts and stuff, in the end i only did my tutorial on thursday morning. cuis. my bad.

and so i finished the hard copy at abt maybe 9pm? i had totally underestimated the time needed to convert hard to soft copy. omg in the end i worked till abt 1+am den finish my part of the ppt, and did the other questions till 3am. okay im really a bad grp member, its part work, and i really shld have taken the inititative to ensure everything was up early. well i didnt. i worked so last minute every partner should HATE ME.

guess what, he was even slower than me! he told me he can only finish in the morning. ok fine cant help it, last minute alr do the best we can. den he just sms me saying that den nv reply alr. i was still awaiting his sms la. ok nvm, maybe he sleep alr. without finishing his work.

in the morning, i sms him to remind him to keep me in the loop. he told me sending to me soon he hopes. okay and he asked me to collate. fine, i had 10-2 lectures and tut was at 3. ok i shall sacrifice a bit and pon my lecture, after all i had to responsible for not doing this much earlier also. his soon wasnt soon. =.= sent me at abt 11. okay den i work on it, myself at the chinese library. from 11 to like 2 plus. collating and editing the format and stuff. some disparities here and there, sorting things out, still manageable.

den i ask him when he can meet. and he told me at 135pm he was on his way to sch. !!! wat!? ya at home? u ask me to compile den tell me ya at home =.= srsly. i have lectures leh. pls. den he also nv tell me wat time he reaching, he made it sound like he was reaching soon. i waited and waited and waited and no sign of him. 220 alr, haven even run thru or print. wts. i smsed him den he told me he reaching in like 20 mins. wth! angry. he wasnt even bothered abt the printing part also. k fine i go thinklab and print. argh thinklab reserved. i had to queue at CL and print.

okay and in btwn made some adjustments also. 255 i was still at the CL la. i RANNN all the way to the tutorial classroom.

okay the tutorial went quite smoothly, not outstanding but good enough. nth much to "perform" anw just present answer.

but, this truly was a bad experience. bad team work, bad communication, last min prep. zzzz.

good, never satisfied?

2011-03-11T20:21:00.002+08:00

i dunno if im too greedy.

i have not done poorly, but i know i can definitely do better.

is it that im never satisfied?

is being exceptional the only way to make me really happy?

THE list.

2011-03-07T19:52:00.003+08:00

yeah lets get this place back updated frequently!

(if you are affected by academic stuff do not read further)

i went to take a look at THE LIST just now haha. and i think again of how im not on it. well, i always wanted to be on it for like just once, u know, like lemme feel shiok for a while haha. but then its like too distant away from me, and there are so many strong ppl out thr who are not on it as well. super tough eh. hahaha.

anw, it gets me thinking sometimes. well i know im not that smart. sometimes i dunno how i do well in exams, becos i always dun understd so many things. do i deserve the good grades? haha if u ask me of cos i say yes la lol. dun take me wrong by any means, just being honest here, no offence intended.

maybe i underestimate myself? maybe im just exam smart. oh wells, not worth debating here becos we shall just let the system sort us out. but it keeps me alert and forces me to do one thing i do not really like - reflect.

then i think, those ppl on the list, are they really like damn smart ppl? or are they super hardworking. can i do as well if i force myself to do much more work for eg.? den, i think that there is a limit and there is really no pt chasing it. every sem i have been working harder and harder but i know theres a limit, somewhen i cannot go too far out and i cannot afford to push myself any further.

and once again the issue of being labelled pops up. now that i have seen it, i tend to label ppl with that. its not good isnt it? but u cant help it. in such a competitive environment, that is what many ppl look at. once ppl know where u stand, they form perceptions of u. and many times it might not be true. but once again, cant help it eh.

last sem i felt was the closest i have gone, but too bad it wasnt close enough hahaha. its just not meant to be? and this sem is confirm nono. unless, of cos, that everyone's standard is gonna drop. as internal compeitition is approaching maximum.

ok now that i have typed those i feel its kinda insignificant to me haha. but its still something i think abt sometimes.

what am i doing

2011-03-07T17:48:00.001+08:00

what am i doing!! ahhhh.

mids are over

2011-03-06T10:47:00.002+08:00

phew mids are finally over. and whats next? relax and chill and play? NAH. oh pls. its back to tutorials and reports lol. go and go and go again. i have been putting more and more effort into my work sem after sem, but it seems like its nv enough! its like i can nv cover all the aspects. or do everything on time. but it still goes on and on. these two months could be qt stressful and packed, i foresee. and if i get that internship, i will have no break after exams as well! oh mians. and if i dun get it, i have to go look for another one, which is probably even more troublesome..

wahaha, probably i will really start looking fwd to SEP by next sem. weee! but being the sentimental emotional me, i would surely dread it as much as i love it.

ranking

2011-03-01T19:08:00.003+08:00

you will never know how highly you were ranked in my heart.

while the foolish me finally sees how you have ranked me.

weird exams

2011-03-01T15:30:00.002+08:00

i find it a little puzzling.

why is it that as we go up the levels in NUS,

the content get harder and harder,

but the exams get easier and easier?

haunted

2011-03-01T15:24:00.002+08:00

im still haunted. and it pops up every here and there. then and when. its forever at the back of my mind. it will be a mystery how long i will take to remove this.

even during tests, it keeps popping up. yawns. its like the first time im being affected during tests or exams. from past exp, anything normally comes really once in a while or maybe the last paper, but these two days, nah.

its haunting me, pretty unhealthy mind ive got here.

its making me negative. generally, and towards the ppl. i dun like that, but i cant ctrl it.

when i say i love to emo,

i just realised that i love to emo a bit when im not emo, cos it reminds me of pain and reality, and gets me thinking, wandering.

but i dun like to emo at all, when im truly emo, when im haunted. its bad and its an automatic involuntary response for me to keep away from it, yet it ironically comes back automatically and beyond my ctrl.

irony

2011-02-25T18:53:00.003+08:00

isnt it such an irony. how much i was afraid to screw up the friendship but in the end, i am the one who chooses to move away from it.

i think i might never be able to accept it. the hurdle perhaps too tough for me to cross.

time will tell. it always does.

i should

2011-02-24T20:16:00.002+08:00

spend more time here! i removed my tagboard becos there is way too much spam!

argh. i really donch like LAB REPORTSSS ahhhhhh. i feel so trapped and shag doing just a little bit of the lab report becos i really dunno whats going on and i dun feel comfortable at all. oh wells, i guess i will just yy do but i doubt the standard will be high. shit man. its 10 pages and lucky its 10 pages. so everything can be brief. sighhh. stresss ah. felt so sick just now im taking a break and continue tmr morning ba!

i dunno how this one week has gone past soooo fast! recess week is almost over and i have no recollection of how it flew past SO QUICKLY lol. its really time to up my gear mans. i forsee a tough week ahead and a difficult half sem more to go, with EG report and more lap reports looming........

many

2011-02-19T11:55:00.000+08:00

things to think about. what am i doing. can i do it? i must try.

u know

2011-02-03T00:35:00.000+08:00

i really wished for an answer. engineers dun like uncertainties.

its great to feel appreciated.

2011-01-16T16:35:00.002+08:00

it had always been my belief that its great to feel appreciated, and thus i like to tell ppl how i appreciate them. but sometimes its not easy, not everyone u can look at them and tell them such stuff, or even mention something remotely close to gratitude/admiration.

and now that i have a much higher frequency of being sarcastic/ despising in a jk manner, i think i have further drifted away from who i once was. i feel comfortable jk ard in such a manner and putting ppl down, expecting them to know that i dun mean it and im just jk. most ppl believe that if u dont curse and scold each other u cant be good friends eh? hahaha.

the thing is, i dun say it doesnt mean i dun think that way. just like i dun ask doesnt mean i dun care. somewhr in the back of my mind i still wanna be the person who is straightfwd and say and do what i truly mean only, but i guess its almost impossible to attain that. my behaviour has changed. its just me now.

but once in a while, i must rmbr to tell ppl stuff i truly feel. and if u have something to tell me, do so. cos u are not a mind-reader, just like im not.

i wanna feel appreciated too (:

this links back to the prev entry too. abt connections. reciprocating verbally/physically might be the way to prove that they are real and two-way. shld be.

connection

2011-01-14T19:08:00.002+08:00

previously, some time ago, i had been thinking abt this issue.

Do connections lie?

when u feel a connection with someone when u look them in the eye. can that be false? can it be wrong?

when u can sense the person reciprocating through that eye contact. can it be a misread?

i hope not. connections are supposed to be a two way thing, a double arrow.

the best thing in life.

2011-01-14T19:01:00.002+08:00

united winning the EPL + League Cup + FA Cup + Champions League - I would go crazy and laugh till im mad.

getting CAP 5.0 this sem with 7 modules - I would be so happy I would cry. and treat everyone.

watching a ulti funny episode of Big Bang Theory - I would laugh non-stop beyond that 20 minutes, even the next day when i think abt it again.

but seriously, the best thing in life, as i reaffirmed my belief, is to have ppl ard you.

not just anyone. but ppl who u feel happy with, ppl who u meet defenseless. they are perhaps the most impt ppl in your life! when u can meet them without having an invisible wall separating u guys. without having to think what u gonna talk about. when u can talk to them about not anything, but every topic of no substance and content at all.

that, is the best thing in my life.

直到你不找我

2011-01-11T23:07:00.001+08:00

a very good semi-emo song to a good drama. nice voice, i really think his singing > acting.

will it be okay?

2011-01-11T23:00:00.002+08:00

i got a feeling this blog is gonna be more active now that sch has started, and that i have 7 modules and bound to feel stresssed ttm and emo at some pt of time. haha.

today erm some cxw has been going on. haha credits to the cxw-ers their skills are pretty good i have to admit. but one thing more impt is that it got me thinking. not abt the cxw thingy but actually that if something like this happens, will i be able to go through it?

will it be weird, will i put the past all behind me? hmm. i have to think abt this i guess. at this stage it is going to feel a bit weird/awkward but i have to move on completely sooner or later. just this link. i ponder. haha interesting to consider such cases. altho not a big deal, but these things do matter to me.

and in anticipation of these cxw-ers who might read my blog, NO THIS IS NOT THAT U ARE THINKING ABT. its something else. a more relevant and real issue.

crazy?

2011-01-10T18:31:00.002+08:00

haha i think i might have gone crazy here. taking 7 modules, 25 mcs this sem! i seriously dunno if i can make it, feels like uber tough and stressed sia. if i am gonna make it, i think i have to make like twice the effort of a normal semester. haha.

i hope i survive! this might be the experience i need lol. the torture, mental and physical. the test of will and positivity. will i make it?

there is still time to drop hmmm. but its like now or never. and better to suffer with someone else than to do it alone.

i like the feeling of this challenge, i just am not confident i will stay as positive throughout, its gonna be a long long dark semester..

i feel a little down,

2011-01-08T23:50:00.001+08:00

that school is starting, two days time.

i start to revisit some feelings, emotions.

i feel lonely, alone i am. i yearn for company, i like to be amongst others. to be part of them. for them to be part of me. sometimes i feel nobody cares for me. that im on my own. im like a child, a lost teen. i wish for attention, to be liked, to be popular, somewhat.

but later on, i start to dislike the energy and crowd. i want to be alone. peaceful. i see the bad the evil the disagreements the differences. and i prefer to be on my own.

it goes on and on and on..

The Amazing Race

2010-12-14T04:52:00.002+08:00

As i mentioned on my fb status, the amazing race always manages to touch me a little here and there. esp the last ep when u are THE FIRST TEAM and you run in and the whole world is cheering for you (or for the camera) haha. i guess its just the feeling or victory, over others, over self, and more importantly the idea of travelling around the world and putting in ur best, tgt with one of the most impt ppl in ur life. awesome eh? haha.

(SPOILER ALERT)

in the end it was really qt sad for the most consistent team JT to lose it. so sucky its pure luck lor. that they got such a cui cab driver. i havent liked them much all along becos they are really damn competitive and v focused. but as i have also thought previously, you cant blame them. yes its a tv show but these are all just ordinary folks in the states and they are there to win ONE MILLION BUCKS, not there to act in a movie to entertain us haha. but then again of cos if u have personalitites as interesting as BC, then its a diff story.

in the end the team i used to support, NK, won! yay i was kind rooting for them in this last leg. actually, all the hard work put in to bring u to the last leg stops thr, and its really the last leg thats crucial. be the first team at the first item and u have a really good chance unless u screw up.

end of the season, see if next seasons watchable. haha. it gave me good breaks in btwn this sem too. and during exams. just din like how they made food disgusting and probably spoilt hk's awesome food's reputation a bit.

regrets of my life

2010-12-10T02:52:00.002+08:00

a few regrets of my life.

a handful in army.

quite a number of people-handling situations.

and particularly one particular friend.

thinking. remembering. regretting.

i feel human again!

2010-12-10T01:28:00.002+08:00

it all started out with a simple chat with ben, then with yj as well. perhaps i had been too robotic. a mugging machine all these while. that i've lost the human touch. i haven felt so real, so human in a long long while. esp since probably this sem?

tonight i was about to sleep just a few minutes past 12 mn, then i lied down on my bed, thinking about stuff. much stuff. many stuff. i couldnt fall asleep. probably cos i have had late nights previously, but more so becos of the thoughts and conversations that i had tonight. in contrast with discussions about energy equations and margules and ATGCCCTAA, this had to be the most human night of recent years. of cos im exaggerating. but months.

so as i was lying on my bed, i knew, at the back of my mind, that i would wake up eventually and end up here. perhaps at that point the decision was alr made, but watever. too many things were going through my mind. tonight, i felt i had to pen it down, cos i guess i will lose myself very soon again. blog i had to. this place which had been left breeding mozzies for the past month. yes, there were no entries at all in november.

i had always used my blog most willingly to convey my feelings. my thoughts. these human ideas running in my mind in the nights/or days. esp a few years ago, when my emotions were - as often described by me myself - roller coaster like.

as a human, i LOVE to feel human. thats why im here tonight. once again im beating abt the bush. or rather, im typing down whatever comes to my mind now. there were a few issues that i had thought about tonight. before that, in my real life chats with ben, and also yj, there were also a few points that i wanted to address, and maybe rediscover.

yes, im "emo" again. not emo emo until emo one corner, but i feel human again. guess what, u will not stop reading the word human. it WILL pop up again and again in this post. so maybe i should go to the point. the point is this was one of the nights when i just know i had to take a trip down memory lane, and to think about my life, what i am, what i want to be. human thoughts once again.

so i got myself up, on-ed my laptop, typed this text. typing i mean. since i was feeling kinda emo, i opened up my box. one of my boxes.

yes. these boxes are what i use to store things. gifts from ppl, letters, some personal and probably secretive stuff i meant to kept. for a rainy day? nope, for an emo night like this one. and indeed, just as i lifted the lid off the tin, i had the feeling. nostalgia? not that strong. im not sure how i should label it, probably a mix of emotions and reminiscence. however u spell that. haha.

in this particular tin, most of the stuff were jc stuff. i had just read a couple of short messages from councillors i received then. i read them and i felt close again. these ppl whom i had such strong bonding with, and now its like all gone. memories, never erased though. the best days of my life, most enriching. (maybe that will change after i have a child on my own haha). the common thing is that they tell me, to stay the way i am. lame. cheerful. always full of crap hahaha. that is, who i am. i live by this rule. im happy when YOU are happy. i feel that its my duty to keep ppl ard me, who matters, happy. and entertained. i love smiles. i love the way ppl look at u and laugh. but now i think, have i done so? perhaps the underlying principle and guiding values have not changed, but i do realise that i am not perceived in this way now. the so-called-gummieness. haha as some term it, had not been around so strongly. i felt a little guilty. why? have i changed? am i still the gum i used to be? i dunno. i think i am changed, but i hope i can instill the sense of gummieness into myself, and influence ppl ard me again. i hope. not easy, but i hope.

ok im still very lame. hahha. even lamer. and more bhb now. lol.

i had a note book. a tiny one that i kept with me on my trip to hk. haha that was four years ago! and it was pretty funny. i listed out all the meals i had then. every day. all the expenses. hahaha.

and some pieces of notes i wrote to someone during one council event. oh man its totally er xin now that i read it hahahhahaha. but thats who i am! who i was rather. its really truly qt disgusting haha not in a R rated way of cos. just kinda, childish? mushy? i dunno. and i kept those with me. luckily. luckily.

and now i have in front of me, my diary. haha. yes i kept a diary. i should keep one, and continue keeping one, but im too inhuman to do so now. and too lazy. too san fen zong re du. now lemme go and read some of it first. haha there werent many entries, but im sure they will revoke some strong emotions in me...

~

im still readin my diary. not many entries. and very funny. haha so things i wrote were qt mmhmm as well ahhaha. and many things i forget le! omggg. and also reminded me of many things. hmm orange smiley? i cant recall that!

haha okay im still reading, and im pretty shag now alr. its 230am! haha wrote less i expected. maybe if i feel human soon i will continue more here. but for now, i guess this is it and i shall finish reading and then go and rest alr.

the whole bunch of entries were all abt _____ and _____ actually.

thoughts, ideas, memories, human.

i dunno

2010-10-29T22:32:00.003+08:00

wat to blog abt, just feel like updating my blog. haha.

there is this part of my which isnt sure of myself anymore. sometimes i feel things, think about things that i would not if its someone else. which leads me to think whether there is something else in my mind. but in sorting thoughts out, i guess its just a so-called transition period kinda thing. definitely need some time to change things and smooth it out. its great to be able to advance on another front, although not most desirable previously but it looks like its the best way to go forward now. i think i need something else to come into the picture, of higher importance, before i can be 100% confident of saying that i've moved on.

maybe my thinking is qt rigid (engr trained) LOL. thus i need some time to change my mentality completely. im constantly reminding myself.

perhaps its just a weird transition, considering the circumstances and things and ppl involved. but once again, im truly grateful and glad that its working out very well (:

wasteful weekend

2010-10-25T17:07:00.001+08:00

this was the first four day weekend of a few more to come. and i have wasted this one terribly! no concrete advancement in work, tutorials or reading up notes. ohmytian. angry with myself. somethings wrong. i need to stay disciplined. from now on!

> 2 weeks

2010-10-22T18:57:00.002+08:00

since i last blogged! hahaha. oh wells, kinda sick two weeks ago and then trying to catch up with the lag and din really on com most of the time. haha. i think the real reason is that i have found another outlet to cyber rant/vent/type/emo.

haha twitter is good for me to post more fei4 but helpful short updates. fb had always been there for me lol. and now also its not so easy to post POTD cos last time i take photos and send to my com over bluetooth. thats v convenient but now i use iphone and its qt mafan to send it over! plus i upload it directly to fb. hahaha.

so i guess there will be less/or even no more POTD section on this blog. i thank everyone for their support over the past months haha. oh its about a year alr! woots. i guess most pics will be on fb instead of here.

i will continue to post some more stuff here. maybe more abt the stuff i think about or such ba. (:

POTD 06-10-10

2010-10-06T21:50:00.001+08:00

GO AWAY NOSEY! Lol.

POTD 04-10-10

2010-10-04T18:37:00.002+08:00

KOI's business is so damn good in Singapore, with queues at almost any single time at every outlet. They are earning so much that they are willing to pay 4.8k per hour for a part-timer!

POTD 02-10-10

2010-10-02T19:25:00.002+08:00

marina sq food court qiu lian banmian! the noodles are qt cui sianss. too hard like uncooked liddat sia. the soup is good, the meat is qt special haha. salty as usual.

I love NUS day!

2010-10-02T19:22:00.000+08:00

being a teacher

2010-09-27T18:09:00.002+08:00

i think that the society holds high hopes for our teachers, hoping for them to be the very best. Since they are the ones the young generation look up to everyday as "role models", other than their parents perhaps.

well, thats not the point of discussion here though. my point is that i believe teachers should be behaving appropriately. What they are employed to do is to educate the students, and i believe they should have a decent level of respect for the students while they expect the same way in the reverse direction.

There is a teacher whom i have seen posting stuff about students on facebook, of which started last year. i witnessed that incident and i was quite shocked by the way he does it. im not sure if the only one who disagrees with his actions. some of his ex students even began commenting and discussions began.

That time, the material posted were photos he took of students' answers of which he found to be say "ridculous" or "funny". in the sense that i guess he was shocked at that kind of answer being written. And after that, he gave those photos captions which didnt put the student in any form of good light as well. and ppl began LIKING those photos, or joining in the mocking of the poor victims of the exams.

It is rather disgusting to me, i feel. i mean, the students are all trying to do their best and sometimes they dunno the answers and in times of desperation, they would just try to scribble something in hope of some lucky points. or if they have a poor understanding of the topic they might give answers that would sound "funny" to an teacher who, we all expect to know the content of the subject very very well. so why did he have to make it into a joke!? its like a form of public humiliation although the names were not shown. but still. why do we have to make fun of them in this way. shouldnt the teacher be more worried and eager about helping them, to correct their mistakes and to educate them better? instead, amidst his own frustration he has decided to share those silly mistakes with the world. incredible, i feel.

if the material were about like stuff they said that were funny, or like content that are purely funny like ppl writing their dates wrongly or something, i guess thats acceptable. but to post their answers and to criticise them on fb, isnt the way to go, Sir.

and the reason why im posting this after so long is because these few days, i have seen such incidents again. this time, he updated his statuses with some answers he saw while marking scripts i suppose, and once again this is a form of expression which i feel is no way acceptable.

then again, i know teachers are humans too and when they are concerned/frustrated/angry they have to vent it out as well. but probably should be using other methods instead. and definitely not on such open, accessible and popular online channels like facebook.

(i guess some of you alr know who this teacher is but pls do not disclose here. this is just meant to be my stand and opinion on the issue, not on the person. thanks.)

beautiful feeling

2010-09-24T23:57:00.001+08:00

when u feel like u have made a really good friend, and u feel like you can talk about anything with this person, comfortably.

thats a beautiful feeling.

POTD 23-09-10

2010-09-23T14:08:00.002+08:00

haha haven been any mh's updates for like months on my blog, so heres something more special that made me happy today haha.

_____________

After posting the above post, look wad i have got lol.

POTD 21-09-10

2010-09-21T21:04:00.001+08:00

had coronation ke ai ji before last week's MAF @ hc. haha i missed the taste of it but i have to say it disappointed me! doesnt taste as good as last time alr :(

AHM 2010 Official Results

2010-09-18T21:15:00.002+08:00

note some mistakes: like under right column facts: 57% were Singapore. LOL.

and FOUR persons ran past me! haha not bad qt low an overtaken rate.

POTD 18-09-10

2010-09-18T21:02:00.001+08:00

had TWO KFC EGG TARTS today! for breakfast and lunch lol each one egg tart. its really good but perhaps not so good on my slightly full stomach haha.

POTD 17-09-10

2010-09-17T22:49:00.003+08:00

ban mian @ kopitiam tampines 1. recommended by minkhai, and i felt like being a human and spontaneously decided to go have it after sch today. haha. it was qt good, the soup tasty but the noodles were rather soft for my liking. damn qiao bumbed into miko at the stall she was in the queue behind me so random!

finally it is cleared up!

2010-09-17T22:40:00.003+08:00

yayy! finally its over.

i guess from that day it happened until this afternoon, i was really unsure still. today was qt a bad day for me, feeling rather terrible and emo. esp in the afternoon like towards the end of day in sch..

den i went to have some alone emo time at tampines one, wanted to buy some clothes! but in the end didnt see something i really liked. as i sorted out my thoughts as usual they will run wild and the feelings get really strong and heart wrenching. towards the end like abt 6pm it hurt qt a lot.

altho feeling emo in this way really sucks, i still, as always, enjoy it because emotions is one thing that we humans have and i welcome these feelings to remind me how humane and weak i can sometimes be. better than feeling like a studying robot eh? hah.

v fortunately, the air is cleared and uncertainties all sorted out tonight. pls gum, stop thinking too much and this will work out fine. live with whats on hand and just chillax and be yourself. im sure it will end up well.

yayy.

cheers, my friend.

POTD 16-09-10

2010-09-16T23:15:00.002+08:00

banmian! NUS science canteen. haha its a bit weird to see dumpling inside ban mian right! haha but overall its not too bad la. the noodles werent v nice though, it was a bit tough at first but after a while it was soaked and absorbed more water then became a little soggy alr. a little salty too, but the soup is qt good as it has the choky and milky feel that i love abt ban mian. good deal for $2.20!

ban mian ftw!

good friends.

2010-09-15T22:21:00.000+08:00

POTD 15-09-10

2010-09-15T22:13:00.003+08:00

had penang char kway teow @ aljunied yday. haha not too bad, altho the portion is a little small for $4.50.

im glad

2010-09-15T15:33:00.002+08:00

im glad that the outcome is like this, nth surprising and and the truth is pretty good and nice to hear.

i feel relieved, and assured by the end-result.

think it went really well, and you agreed with me. which was impt.

but i dunno why u said so then, but did another just two hours on.

i felt refreshed and relaxed after it, but now, im feeling a little down and emo somehow.

but its gonna go away really soon.

i hope it will turn out how we want it to be.

my love

2010-09-13T15:53:00.003+08:00

last week, i was on the way home from school. while taking the elevator at tanah merah mrt station from the platform level down to the ctrl station level, there was a man standing in front of me.

no, he is not my love. lol.

in the packed lift, my eyes surveyed the surroundings and i caught a glimpse of his handphone. he was texting at that moment and i saw the recipient of the sms. the msg on his nokia phone was abt to be sent to the contact saved as: "A my love wife"!!!

pretty sweet eh! the man was probably near his thirties. the "A" part shld be there so that this contact would be the first in his contact list (think: a gum tang) and instead of saving his wife's name as her actual name, or as "wife" or something, it was my love wife. haha i felt it was really nice and sweet. although it sounds wrong, probably meaning my love (wife) or my lovely wife, but it was still cool. i wonder if i would do such a thing next time hahhaha.

still

2010-09-12T17:18:00.003+08:00

still very much on my mind.
once special, always special.

SBR/AHM run 12-09-10

2010-09-12T13:34:00.002+08:00

went for singapore bay run 10km aka AHM 10km this morning. i haven been running for qt some time alr and was actually a little worried if i could last the race. haha luckily i did and completed it, with a self-timed 58 minutes. im glad the timing was still under one hr. last yr i chionged too early on lol and in the end walked, so timing was abt one plus 7 mins or something.

one thing i realised is that i couldnt pick up much speed as when i tried to accelerate to a higher velocity, i started feeling a bit of pain/strain in my chest/heart. im a little worried abt this!! hmm. i hope its becos i haven done much exercise recently. this is qt a problem for me becos now i don't dare to push myself, even slightly beyong comfort zone. i shall go for another run soon and monitor the situation.

once again, like always, it feels good after a run, sweating it out (:

open ur heart.

2010-09-11T10:59:00.002+08:00

only when you sincerely open your heart,
let down your defence,
and let someone into your 内心世界.

can you make a friend feel truely important, trusted and loved.

POTD 09-09-10

2010-09-09T21:18:00.001+08:00

A WILD LEGENDARY POKEMON APPEARED!

why is it so hard to be friends

2010-09-08T20:01:00.003+08:00

why does it hurt, why is it so hard, to be friends.
just a friend, and its not easy. its sad, heart pain..
when you have different values, live in different worlds, different priorities.

once again, i confirm that wmshzbtsjldr.

stoopid gum.

why do i always feel im on the losing end of a friendship. is it because i expect too much?
today i had some time to think abt it, and the best reason is that we all expect different things from a friendship, we all value each other to a different extent and our definitions of friendship are too different. and becos we are of some age, and our core values and principles are already firmly established, its v difficult to change, or even influence someone alr.

thats why sometimes its ironic how i view friendship.

stoopid gum.

POTD 07-09-10

2010-09-07T21:29:00.002+08:00

olive fried rice, wasnt too good :( hahaha the egg looks plastic right! like the toys of food we used to play!

POTD 05-09-10

2010-09-05T20:18:00.002+08:00

haha ban mian frenzy, nowadays just feel like eating banmian whenever i see a stall lol.

this one's at koufu, kallang leisure park! not too bad.. also, i always see ppl eating ban mian with chilli sauce and i always wondered why they did that. cos i think its nice on its own and i haven tried taking it with chilli, just felt weird, outta place.

but today i tried and it was surprisingly good! haha this meal was pretty satisfying (:

just do it?

2010-09-03T22:02:00.002+08:00

at first i had already dropped the idea of doing this.

now im sure of the situation and thought i was ready for this.

but uncontrollably i still have my doubts, is it really time? is it really gonna be okay?

for now, the answer is yes. but my mind will be running ard a bit im sure.

am i really happy?

2010-09-02T18:57:00.002+08:00

thats a very good question.

indeed, before that moment earlier i was really laughing and entertained by it. actually to be entertained by it sounds a bit bad also, perhaps its more like i thought it was pretty interesting and funny. so while i was seeing and hearing and observing other things, i felt it was qt funny.

but then again, just now i was laughing, but somehow i think i came to a point when i wasnt really laughing from the bottom of my heart alr. hmm. i guess it could be becos i had made too much out of nth LOL and so i realised that it wasnt really that funny. but then again, wat mankey said really got me thinking. am i really putting on a show?

no, im not putting on a show. it was real. but, i thought abt it and i couldnt deny that there was still a little bit of me thats not really too happy abt it. hmmm. i guess its still not 100% gone yet.

but one things for sure, i know its not going to be wad i had thought it could be before, and now im thinking much much more neutrally. perhaps i hadnt got rid of it in my mind/heart totally, and i still think that those look a bit not too good, but im sure that i do not want wat i wanted some time ago.

talking in riddles/ encrypted scripts is one of my fav these days haha.

maybe im not really that happy, but at least im not sad, and my laughter is not fake.

POTD 01-09-10

2010-09-01T21:32:00.002+08:00

cleared some of my clothes from my wardrobe on saturday, and these were the hangers that could be kept! i have quite a few clothes which i only like wore once or twice and then decided that i wasnt going to them them anymore! lol, i look at some, and think how did i even buy them in the first place o.O

lame?

2010-08-31T23:46:00.004+08:00

with reference to my previous blog entry, I'm quite surprised to see that there are readers checking my entry as LAME. hmm. i wonder why. i would appreciate if they could tag on my tagboard to provide their opinion on this. I dun get why would someone think that that is lame! are you saying that its lame because u think im trying to create something out of nth by posting that status? or are u doubting whether im really a man of integrity. i wonder why.

but it does hurt to see ppl having such reactions to a truly honest status. i was feeling discouraged by integrity issues and even myself considered doing something that i would feel unhonorable to gain some marks. i somewhat disgusted by myself over this as well because i know i shld have been firm and not even considered that option. however i stood my ground and i appreciate the likes on fb that do, really, act as encouragement to me, reminding myself that i should do the right things.

i dunno wads so lame abt this.

POTD 31-08-10

2010-08-31T23:43:00.001+08:00

the sci library toilet is qt special here! there is alternate taps that work manually or by sensor.

POTD 30-08-10

2010-08-30T11:12:00.002+08:00

my mum found this TINY crab within some other dried food she was sorting out in the kitchen. lol so cute!

im glad i still have moral integrity

2010-08-29T22:21:00.003+08:00

want to put it here, also as a reminder to myself to stick to my principles. because these are what makes me who I am. im grateful of the support from my fb frens as well (:

angry bird part II: lsm essay

2010-08-29T14:54:00.001+08:00

Dear Dr Kim,

I am sure you have already heard or received feedback from your LSM 1401 students with regards to the essay assignment. I am also one of your students taking this module for the semester and would like to feedback to you about this issue as well. I think that this system is extremely unfair to be used as a grading system and I hope that you can understand my view on this, of which I will be supporting below.

Dr Kim, you have mentioned that this is a method that has been used for scientific journals, but that point, I feel, is irrelevant to us. This is because although this peer evaluation system is likely to be able to choose the best papers and also to help improve each and everyone’s essay based on the feedback from peers, it does not seem appropriate for grading purposes. Each vote is worth one mark and the chances of one getting a very low score, or even no votes are quite high if their essay is not a very good one compared to the rest. It will all depend on one’s luck in getting grouped with which other four essays. How random is the distribution of the essays to ensure that luck plays an insignificant role? Is three rounds of evaluation enough to reduce this luck factor determining your grade? Furthermore, it is worth so high percentage of the final score for this LSM module. Thus, an assessment carrying so much weightage should be graded with a fairer system.

Moving on, I have seen many many ways in which a student may cheat in this system. True, one might argue that cheating cannot be stopped and its down to the moral integrity of the students. But, given a flawed system with so many easy avenues for cheating, it would seem like an unfair gaining of marks is presented and encouraged.

1. Having access to everyone’s essays.
A student can easily obtain access to EVERYONE’S essays with the current system. Although one can only view essays of another topic currently, viewing other’s essays on a student’s own topic could be easily done by the help of a friend in another topic. He can download ALL the essays and abstract all the original work and research of the other students if he wants to. This system does not protect the writer’s intellectual properties. A student who had spent days to generate an innovative and brilliant idea and put it in his essay could have his idea stolen by many other students.

And with regards to this, it is too late to try to salvage the situation because the damage has been done and students could already have looked at many other essays and even saved copies of it for future reference.

2. Authors of the essay one is marking are no longer anonymous.
The identity of the author has a high chance of being checked by simply looking up the properties of the word document file. If the author had put in his name/matric card number as the author of his Microsoft office, he could be tracked easily. Biasness will now come into place while marking.

3. One could easily check who is marking his essay.
For example, I’m writing on question C and I want to check who is writing my essay. I ask a friend who is in grp A to download all the essay files, I check where are mine, then I check who is marking this essay from the list of markers and the files they are allocated on ivle.

4. Trading votes.
With the two points, 2 and 3, above, it is evident that it is easy to beat the system. A student can strike a deal with the person who is marking his essay to vote for his feedback as the best feedback while he votes his essay as the best essay. A win-win situation is easily obtained. One could argue that the chances of the student knowing the other person might not be high, but this deal could be done even with someone you don’t know. And furthermore, in this system when we could easily cheat, the people with more friends will somehow, gain an added advantage which totally makes no sense to me.

Personally, I have a friend who is marking my essay, and I’m marking another friend’s essay. Thus, if I wanted to, I would have struck two deals and ensured at least two points in this first round of essay submission. By doing so, I might be depriving the student whose essay is really the best among the five I have to evaluate of his one vote just because I want to get a vote from my friend. From my understanding, a huge majority of people would settle for such a deal because everyone wants to get a better score and there is no harm in helping each other out. How many people would actually have the moral integrity to say no to a “free vote”, to a friend?

I think there are many loopholes in this grading system and probably some more that I did not pen down here. I sincerely hope you, Dr Kim, could do something to change this system because I’m very disturbed by the unfair advantages the students are gaining. And even if there is a change, cheating would already have been done in the first round and if the scores are still taken, then it would be unfair to students who work hard and try their best losing out to those to unfairly gain superiority in votes. I believe there are others who share the same viewpoint as me and I hope you too agree with us on our major concerns. If you would like a face-to-face discussion, I’m sure many of us would be available for it.

Thank you for your time Dr Kim, I eagerly await your reply/changes that will be made.

Your concerned LSM1401 student,
Tang Kai Him

POTD 29-08-10

2010-08-29T13:18:00.003+08:00

this is damn funny and lame la.. woke up late today and found myself with this notification! 310 photos of john. omggg. lol. fb errors are getting funnier. likes.

POTD 27-08-10

2010-08-28T13:44:00.002+08:00

had craving for BAN MIAN for the week and in the end had ban mian for dinner! hahaha it was at kopitiam at vivo. altho it isnt really v good. the noodles were a little too solid and i prefer those that have a more powdery taste to it.. like the soup will not be so clear and its all messier hahaha.

but overall it was a good meal, except for the noodles that were a bit disappointing, the soup was good and i finished the whole bowl at qt a high rate!! as commented by ben haha.

angry bird part I: friend X

2010-08-26T19:16:00.003+08:00

i am not angry, i am not emo..

but.

i think i should be angry. sometimes i'm even angry for myself for not being angry. i seldom blame ppl/be angry over something, unless its really too huge a problem for me to ignore. i think thats part of kai him, and sometimes i think its pretty weird lol. not that i prefer being angry of cos.

this friend is X.

and X is a good friend to me, but the things X does sometimes really make me wonder how is it that someone with some intelligience could not really use the brain first being doing/saying things. its not only once, it has happened many times. and not only to me.

and like so many times alr, its still the same even though the problem had been presented to X b4. as in like i told X b4 of this issue that i aint particularly happy with, and X always ends up saying things like sorry i wun do it again. i promise and stuff.

but the thing is, it happens and happens again. our level of friendship, i would say, is not low and on the surface and i would really expect more from X.. i know X doesnt do it on purpose, but i think X oughts to do something abt this problem, or else its v hard for me to trust X.

and after everytime this kinda issue occured, i give X a chance, and i tell myself that X will know wad i mean and rmbr and be careful. friendship IS abt trust isnt it. but, more often than not, there will be things that X do that really gets me thinking why am i such a "fool" in believing in X when such things happen over and over again.

im not angry, i really am not, i think i should be. i guess im not angry becos the effect of wad X did is not big and im fine with sharing it w most ppl, but its not a matter of whether the issue is so important to me, its a matter of X kinda betraying my trust.

and most imptly, when X did that, and i was momentarily frustrated that i scolded X and X still asked me why i so fierce when X is the one in the wrong. and as it happened many times b4 alr, X did not know that X was wrong! wts. its like O.o its you who did this stupid thing and now u blame me for being "angry"? shit man.

im just frustrated i feel this friendship is not balanced. im frequently on the losing end of things but i nv get angry for long, its just me. i forgive and forget, and i trust, but i wonder why X still doesnt understand. seriously. please.

its a pity really. i just want X to realise wad is wrong, and really truely change.

slow poke

2010-08-22T19:14:00.002+08:00

omg im such a slow poke! i have been putting in extra effort this sem from the start, like week 1, but im still having problems keeping pace! omggg. i needa sort this out!

and lsm essay's due on tuesday, i haven started! hahaha. now i will go and start and settle that within these about 50 hours. woots.

POTD 21-08-10

2010-08-21T13:21:00.000+08:00

OMG FINALLY SNEKU IS OPENED! lol

POTD 20-08-10

2010-08-20T18:27:00.003+08:00

dessert today: 豆花汤圆!

too bad i was alr on a rather full stomach and this proved too much for me! haha i underestimated the power of the tiny glutinous balls.

a little emo

2010-08-18T23:45:00.002+08:00

i was thinking yday night that i hadnt been really into the emo mode recently (guess due to being relatively busy and occupied in stuff like oweek) and that i might go into the mid sem emo mode which occured last sem.. i guess its just the time when u start feeling tired of your mundane life and think once again about what u really want/ reflect and realise that u have achieved so little.

and right after that, i was feeling a little bit emo today. not about like life this time, but about something else.

i wrote on fb:

"if u know u might be falling into the same hole again, do u pull yourself back and make sure you dont fall into the hole because you know why you shouldnt? or should you just fall back into the hole because there must be a reason why u keep falling in."

cos i thought i wouldnt be falling in alr, as it hurts and that there is a valid reason why i shld advoid the hole. but i realised its not that simple cos there are always two sides to a coin, and there is always positive and negative, pros and cons, good and bad. going with my heart naturally, i feel theres is still a dangling tendency in me. to walk towards the hole.

its pretty interesting to me, and im drawn towards it naturally. but i know its not the way it should go, just that i always tend to use my heart more than my brain and be a human rather than a robot.

i think about it, and its quite weird as well. i wonder wads gotten into me. haha.

POTD 17-08-10

2010-08-17T19:09:00.005+08:00

And there we go! gotta catch 'em all, and today, im the true master. i have caught them all! all five texts for all five mods this sem! omg total overrrrrr. zz. now lets hope they are useful, and im sure some of them would be, very.

look, the stack on the left are the two books i bought for the first two sems, one each. and on the right, the stack / PILE of books are the material i will be befriending this sem! chem eng yr2s1 FTW!

and the amount i spent also increased exponentially lol. sem 1: $30, sem 2: $50, sem 3: $200!! (rounded offs)

yayyy kaihim is a chao mugger, kaihim is a chao mugger...

LOL.